Suppose that you and I were sitting in a quiet room overlooking a gar-1 den, chatting and sipping at our cups of green tea while we talked J about something that had happened a long while ago, and I said to you, "That afternoon when I met so-and-so . . . was the very best afternoon of my life, and also the very worst afternoon." I expect you might put down your teacup and say, "Well, now, which was it? Was it the best or the worst? Because it can't possibly have been both!" Ordinarily I'd have to laugh at myself and agree with you. But the truth is that the afternoon when I met Mr. Tanaka Ichiro really was the best and the worst of my life. He seemed so fascinating to me, even the fish smell on his hands was a kind of perfume. If I had never known him, I'm sure I would not have become a geisha.
I wasn't born and raised to be a Kyoto geisha. I wasn't even born in Kyoto. I'm a fisherman's daughter from a little town called Yoroido on the Sea of Japan. In all my life I've never told more than a handful of people anything at all about Yoroido, or about the house in which I grew up, or about my mother and father, or my older sister-and certainly not about how I became a geisha, or what it was like to be one. Most people would much rather carry on with their fantasies that my mother and grandmother were geisha, and that I began my training in dance when I was weaned from the breast, and so on. As a matter of fact, one day many years ago I was pouring a cup of sake for a man who happened to mention that he had been in Yoroido only the previous week. Well, I felt as a bird must feel when it has flown across the ocean and comes upon a creature that knows its nest. I was so shocked I couldn't stop myself from saying:
Yoroido! Why, that's where I grew up!
This poor man! His face went through the most remarkable series of changes. He tried his best to smile, though it didn't come out well because he couldn't get the look of shock off his face.
Yoroido? he said. "You can't mean it."
I long ago developed a very practiced smile, which I call my "Noh smile" because it resembles a Noh mask whose features are frozen. Its advantage is that men can interpret it however they want; you can imagine how often I've relied on it. I decided I'd better use it just then, and of course it worked. He let out all his breath and tossed down the cup of sake I'd poured for him before giving an enormous laugh I'm sure was prompted more by relief than anything else.
The very idea! he said, with another big laugh. "You, growing up in a dump like Yoroido. That's like making tea in a bucket!" And when he'd laughed again, he said to me, "That's why you're so much fun, Sayuri-san. Sometimes you almost make me believe your little jokes are real."
I don't much like thinking of myself as a cup of tea made in a bucket, but I suppose in a way it must be true. After all, I did grow up in Yoroido, and no one would suggest it's a glamorous spot. Hardly anyone ever visits it. As for the people who live there, they never have occasion to leave. You're probably wondering how I came to leave it myself. That's where my story begins.
In our little fishing village of Yoroido, I lived in what I called a "tipsy house." It stood near a cliff where the wind off the ocean was always blowing. As a child it seemed to me as if the ocean had caught a terrible cold, because it was always wheezing and there would be spells when it let out a huge sneeze-which is to say there was a burst of wind with a tremendous spray. I decided our tiny house must have been offended by the ocean sneezing in its face from time to time, and took to leaning back because it wanted to get out of the way. Probably it would have collapsed if my father hadn't cut a timber from a wrecked fishing boat to prop up the eaves, which made the house look like a tipsy old man leaning on his crutch.
Inside this tipsy house I lived something of a lopsided life. Because from my earliest years I was very much like my mother, and hardly at all like my father or older sister. My mother said it was because we were made just the same, she and I-and it was true we both had the same peculiar eyes of a sort you almost never see in Japan. Instead of being dark brown like everyone else's, my mother's eyes were a translucent gray, and mine are just the same. When I was very young, I told my mother I thought someone had poked a hole in her eyes and all the ink had drained out, which she thought very funny. The fortunetellers said her eyes were so pale because of too much water in her personality, so much that the other four elements were hardly present at a}}-and this, they explained, was why her features matched so poorly. People in the village often said she ought to have been extremely attractive, because her parents had been. Well, a peach has a lovely taste and so does a mushroom, but you can't put the two together; this was the terrible trick nature had played on her. She had her mother's pouty mouth but her father's angular jaw, which gave the impression of a delicate picture with much too heavy a frame. And her lovely gray eyes were surrounded by thick lashes that must have been striking on her father, but in her case only made her look startled.
My mother always said she'd married my father because she had too much water in her personality and he had too much wood in his. People who knew my father understood right away what she was talking about. Water flows from place to place quickly and always finds a crack to spill through. Wood, on the other hand, holds fast to the earth. In my father's case this was a good thing, for he was a fisherman, and a man with wood in his personality is at ease on the sea. In fact, my father was more at ease on the sea than anywhere else, and never left it far behind him. He smelled like the sea even after he had bathed. When he wasn't fishing, he sat on the floor in our dark front room mending a fishing net. And if a fishing net had been a sleeping creature, he wouldn't even have awakened it, at the speed he worked. He did everything this slowly. Even when he summoned a look of concentration, you could run outside and drain the bath in the time it took him to rearrange his features. His face was very heavily creased, and into each crease he had tucked some worry or other, so that it wasn't really his own face any longer, but more like a tree that had nests of birds in all the branches. He had to struggle constantly to manage it and always looked worn out from the effort.
When I was six or seven, I learned something about my father I'd never known. One day I asked him, "Daddy, why are you so old?" He hoisted up his eyebrows at this, so that they formed little sagging umbrellas over his eyes. And he let out a long breath, and shook his head and said, "I don't know." When I turned to my mother, she gave me a look meaning she would answer the question for me another time. The following day without saying a word, she walked me down the hill toward the village and turned at a path into a graveyard in the woods. She led me to three graves in the corner, with three white marker posts much taller than I was. They had stern-looking black characters written top to bottom on them, but I hadn't attended the school in our little village long enough to know where one ended and the next began. My mother pointed to them and said, "Natsu, wife of Sakamoto Minoru." Sakamoto Minoru was the name of my father. "Died age twenty-four, in the nineteenth year of Meiji." Then she pointed to the next one: "Jinichiro, son of Sakamoto Minoru, died age six, in the nineteenth year of Meiji," and to the next one, which was identical except for the name, Masao, and the age, which was three. It took me a while to understand that my father had been married before, a long time ago, and that his whole family had died. I went back to those graves not long afterward and found as I stood there that sadness was a very heavy thing. My body weighed twice what it had only a moment earlier, as if those graves were pulling me down toward them.
With all this water and all this wood, the two of them ought to have made a good balance and produced children with the proper arrangement of elements. I'm sure it was a surprise to them that they ended up with one of each. For it wasn't just that I resembled my mother and had even inherited her unusual eyes; my sister, Satsu, was as much like my father as anyone could be. Satsu was six years older than me, and of course, being older, she could do things I couldn't do. But Satsu had a remarkable quality of'doing everything in a way that seemed like a complete accident. For example, if you asked her to pour a bowl of soup from a pot on the stove, she would get the job done, but in a way that looked like she'd spilled it into the bowl just by luck. One time she even cut herself with a fish, and I don't mean with a knife she was using to clean a fish. She was carrying a fish wrapped in paper up the hill from the village when it slid out and fell against her leg in such a way as to cut her with one of its fins.
Our parents might have had other children besides Satsu and me, particularly since my father hoped for a boy to fish with him. But when I was seven my mother grew terribly ill with what was probably bone cancer, though at the time I had no idea what was wrong. Her only escape from discomfort was to sleep, which she began to do the way a cat does-which is to say, more or less constantly. As the months passed she slept most of the time, and soon began to groan whenever she was awake. I knew something in her was changing quickly, but because of so much water in her personality, this didn't seem worrisome to me. Sometimes she grew thin in a matter of months but grew strong again just as quickly. But by the time I was nine, the bones in her face had begun to protrude, and she never gained weight again afterward. I didn't realize the water was draining out of her because of her illness. Just as seaweed is naturally soggy, you see, but turns brittle as it dries, my mother was giving up more and more of her essence.
Then one afternoon I was sitting on the pitted floor of our dark front room, singing to a cricket I'd found that morning, when a voice called out at the door:
Oi! Open up! It's Dr. Miura!
Dr. Miura came to our fishing village once a week, and had made a point of walking up the hill to check on my mother ever since her illness had begun. My father was at home that day because a terrible storm was coming. He sat in his usual spot on the floor, with his two big spiderlike hands tangled up in a fishing net. But he took a moment to point his eyes at me and raise one of his fingers. This meant he wanted me to answer the door.
Dr. Miura was a very important man-or so we believed in our village. He had studied in Tokyo and reportedly knew more Chinese characters than anyone. He was far too proud to notice a creature like me. When I opened the door for him, he slipped out of his shoes and stepped right past me into the house.
Why, Sakamoto-san, he said to my father, "I wish I had your life, out on the sea fishing all day. How glorious! And then on rough days you take a rest. I see your wife is still asleep," he went on. "What a pity. I thought I might examine her."
Oh? said my father.
I won't be around next week, you know. Perhaps you might wake her for me?
My father took a while to untangle his hands from the net, but at last he stood.
Chiyo-chan, he said to me, "get the doctor a cup of tea."
My name back then was Chiyo. I wouldn't be known by my geisha name, Sayuri, until years later.
My father and the doctor went into the other room, where my mother lay sleeping. I tried to listen at the door, but I could hear only my mother groaning, and nothing of what they said. I occupied myself with making tea, and soon the doctor came back out rubbing his hands together and looking very stern. My father came to join him, and they sat together at the table in the center of the room.
The time has come to say something to you, Sakamoto-san, Dr. Miura began. "You need to have a talk with one of the women in the village. Mrs. Sugi, perhaps. Ask her to make a nice new robe for your wife."
I haven't the money, Doctor, my father said.
We've all grown poorer lately. I understand what you're saying. But you owe it to your wife. She shouldn't die in that tattered robe she's wearing.
So she's going to die soon?
A few more weeks, perhaps. She's in terrible pain. Death will release her.
After this, I couldn't hear their voices any longer; for in my ears I heard a sound like a bird's wings flapping in panic. Perhaps it was my heart, I don't know. But if you've ever seen a bird trapped inside the great hall of a temple, looking for some way out, well, that was how my mind was reacting. It had never occurred to me that my mother wouldn't simply go on being sick. I won't say I'd never wondered what might happen if she should die; I did wonder about it, in the same way I wondered what might happen if our house were swallowed up in an earthquake. There could hardly be life after such an event.
I thought I would die first, my father was saying.
You're an old man, Sakamoto-san. But your health is good. You might have four or five years. I'll leave you some more of those pills for your wife. You can give them to her two at a time, if you need to.
They talked about the pills a bit longer, and then Dr. Miura left. My father went on sitting for a long while in silence, with his back to me. He wore no shirt but only his loose-fitting skin; the more I looked at him, the more he began to seem like just a curious collection of shapes and textures. His spine was a path of knobs. His head, with its discolored splotches, might have been a bruised fruit. His arms were sticks wrapped in old leather, dangling from two bumps. If my mother died, how could I go on living in the house with him? I didn't want to be away from him; but whether he was there or not, the house would be just as empty when my mother had left it.
At last my father said my name in a whisper. I went and knelt beside him.
Something very important, he said.
His face was so much heavier than usual, with his eyes rolling around almost as though he'd lost control of them. I thought he was struggling to tell me my mother would die soon, but all he said was:
Go down to the village. Bring back some incense for the altar.
Our tiny Buddhist altar rested on an old crate beside the entrance to the kitchen; it was the only thing of value in our tipsy house. In front of a rough carving of Amida, the Buddha of the Western Paradise, stood tiny black mortuary tablets bearing the Buddhist names of our dead ancestors.
But, Father . . . wasn't there anything else?
I hoped he would reply, but he only made a gesture with his hand that meant for me to leave.
The path from our house followed the edge of the sea cliffs before turning inland toward the village. Walking it on a day like this was difficult, but I remember feeling grateful that the fierce wind drew my mind from the things troubling me. The sea was violent, with waves like stones chipped into blades, sharp enough to cut. It seemed to me the world itself was feeling just as I felt. Was life nothing more than a storm that constantly washed away what had been there only a moment before, and left behind something barren and unrecognizable? I'd never had such a thought before. To escape it, I ran down the path until the village came into view below me. Yoroido was a tiny town, just at the opening of an inlet. Usually the water was spotted with fishermen, but today I could see just a few boats coming back-looking to me, as they always did, like water bugs kicking along the surface. The storm was coming in earnest now; I could hear its roar. The fishermen on the inlet began to soften as they disappeared within the curtain of rain, and then they were gone completely. I could see the storm climbing the slope toward me. The first drops hit me like quail eggs, and in a matter of seconds I was as wet as if I'd fallen into the sea.
Yoroido had only one road, leading right to the front door of the Japan Coastal Seafood Company; it was lined with a number of houses whose front rooms were used for shops. I ran across the street toward the Okada house, where dry goods were sold; but then something happened to me-one of those trivial things with huge consequences, like losing your step and falling in front of a train. The packed dirt road was slippery in the rain, and my feet went out from under me. I fell forward onto one side of my face. I suppose I must have knocked myself into a daze, because I remember only a kind of numbness and a feeling of something in my mouth I wanted to spit out. I heard voices and felt myself turned onto my back; I was lifted and carried. I could tell they were taking me into the Japan Coastal Seafood Company, because I smelled the odor of fish wrapping itself around me. I heard a slapping sound as they slid a catch of fish from one of the wooden tables onto the floor and laid me on its slimy surface. I knew I was wet from the rain, and bloody too, and that I was barefoot and dirty, and wearing peasant clothing. What I didn't know was that this was the moment that would change everything. For it was in this condition I found myself looking up into the face of Mr. Tanaka Ichiro.
I'd seen Mr. Tanaka in our village many times before. He lived in a much larger town nearby but came every day, for his family owned the Japan Coastal Seafood Company. He didn't wear peasant clothing like the fishermen, but rather a man's kimono, with kimono trousers that made him look to me like the illustrations you may have seen of samurai. His skin was smooth and tight as a drum; his cheekbones were shiny hillocks, like the crisp skin of a grilled fish. I'd always found him fascinating. When I was in the street throwing a beanbag with the other children and Mr. Tanaka happened to stroll out of the seafood company, I always stopped what I was doing to watch him.
I lay there on that slimy table while Mr. Tanaka examined my lip, pulling it down with his fingers and tipping my head this way and that. All at once he caught sight of my gray eyes, which were fixed on his face with such fascination, I couldn't pretend I hadn't been staring at him. He didn't give me a sneer, as if to say that I was an impudent girl, and he didn't look away as if it made no difference where I looked or what I thought. We stared at each other for a long moment-so long it gave me a chill even there in the muggy air of the seafood company.
I know you, he said at last. "You're old Sakamoto's little girl."
Even as a child I could tell that Mr. Tanaka saw the world around him as it really was; he never wore the dazed look of my father. To me, he seemed to see the sap bleeding from the trunks of the pine trees, and the circle of brightness in the sky where the sun was smothered by clouds. He lived in the world that was visible, even if it didn't always please him to be there. I knew he noticed the trees, and the mud, and the children in the street, but I had no reason to believe he'd ever noticed me.
Perhaps this is why when he spoke to me, tears came stinging to my eyes.
Mr. Tanaka raised me into a sitting position. I thought he was going to tell me to leave, but instead he said, "Don't swallow that blood, little girl. Unless you want to make a stone in your stomach. I'd spit it onto the floor, if I were you."
A girl's blood, Mr. Tanaka? said one of the men. "Here, where we bring the fish?"
Fishermen are terribly superstitious, you see. They especially don't like women to have anything to do with fishing. One man in our village, Mr. Yamamura, found his daughter playing in his boat one morning. He beat her with a stick and then washed out the boat with sake and lye so strong it bleached streaks of coloring from the wood. Even this wasn't enough; Mr. Yamamura had the Shinto priest come and bless it. All this because his daughter had done nothing more than play where the fish are caught. And here Mr. Tanaka was suggesting I spit blood onto the floor of the room where the fish were cleaned.
If you're afraid her spit might wash away some of the fish guts, said Mr. Tanaka, "take them home with you. I've got plenty more."
It isn't the fish guts, sir.
I'd say her blood will be the cleanest thing to hit this floor since you or I were born. Go ahead, Mr. Tanaka said, this time talking to me. "Spit it out."
There I sat on that slimy table, uncertain what to do. I thought it would be terrible to disobey Mr. Tanaka, but I'm not sure I would have found the courage to spit if one of the men hadn't leaned to the side and pressed a finger against one nostril to blow his nose onto the floor. After seeing this, I couldn't bear to hold anything in my mouth a moment longer, and spat out the blood just as Mr. Tanaka had told me to do. All the men walked away in disgust except Mr. Tanaka's assistant, named Sugi. Mr. Tanaka told him to go and fetch Dr. Miura.
I don't know where to find him, said Sugi, though what he really meant, I think, was that he wasn't interested in helping.
I told Mr. Tanaka the doctor had been at our house a few minutes earlier.
Where is your house? Mr. Tanaka asked me.
It's the little tipsy house up on the cliffs.
What do you mean . . . 'tipsy house'?
It's the one that leans to the side, like it's had too much to drink.
Mr. Tanaka didn't seem to know what to make of this. "Well, Sugi, walk up toward Sakamoto's tipsy house and look for Dr. Miura. You won't have trouble finding him. Just listen for the sound of his patients screaming when he pokes them."
I imagined Mr. Tanaka would go back to his work after Sugi had left; but instead he stood near the table a long while looking at me. I felt my face beginning to burn. Finally he said something I thought was very clever.
You've got an eggplant on your face, little daughter of Sakamoto.
He went to a drawer and took out a small mirror to show it to me. My lip was swollen and blue, just as he'd said.
But what I really want to know, he went on, "is how you came to have such extraordinary eyes, and why you don't look more like your father?"
The eyes are my mother's, I said. "But as for my father, he's so wrinkled I've never known what he really looks like."
You'll be wrinkled yourself one day.
But some of his wrinkles are the way he's made, I said. "The back of his head is as old as the front, but it's as smooth as an egg."
That isn't a respectful thing to say about your father, Mr. Tanaka told me. "But I suppose it's true."
Then he said something that made my face blush so red, I'm sure my lips looked pale.
So how did a wrinkled old man with an egg for a head father a beautiful girl like you?
In the years since, I've been called beautiful more often than I can remember. Though, of course, geisha are always called beautiful, even those who aren't. But when Mr. Tanaka said it to me, before I'd ever heard of such a thing as a geisha, I could almost believe it was true.
After Dr. Miura tended to my lip, and I bought the incense my father had sent me for, I walked home in a state of such agitation, I don't think there could have been more activity inside me if I'd been an anthill. I would've had an easier time if my emotions had all pulled me in the same direction, but it wasn't so simple. I'd been blown about like a scrap of paper in the wind. Somewhere between the various thoughts about my mother-somewhere past the discomfort in my lip-there nestled a pleasant thought I tried again and again to bring into focus. It was about Mr. Tanaka. I stopped on the cliffs and gazed out to sea, where the waves even after the storm were still like sharpened stones, and the sky had taken on the brown tone of mud. I made sure no one was watching me, and then clutched the incense to my chest and said Mr. Tanaka's name into the whistling wind, over and over, until I felt satisfied I'd heard the music in every syllable. I know it sounds foolish of me-and indeed it was. But I was only a confused little girl.
After we'd finished our dinner and my father had gone to the village to watch the other fishermen play Japanese chess, Satsu and I cleaned the kitchen in silence. I tried to remember how Mr. Tanaka had made me feel, but in the cold quiet of the house it had slipped away from me. Instead I felt a persistent, icy dread at the thought of my mother's illness. I found myself wondering how long it would be until she was buried out in the village graveyard along with my father'sother family. What would become of me afterward? With my mother dead, Satsu would act in her place, I supposed. I watched my sister scrub the iron pot that had cooked our soup; but even though it was right before her-even though her eyes were pointed at the thing-I could tell she wasn't seeing it. She went on scrubbing it long after it was clean. Finally I said to her:
Satsu-san, I don't feel well.
Go outside and heat the bath, she told me, and brushed her unruly hair from her eyes with one of her wet hands.
I don't want a bath, I said. "Satsu, Mommy is going to die-"
This pot is cracked. Look!
It isn't cracked, I said. "That line has always been there."
But how did the water get out just then?
You sloshed it out. I watched you.
For a moment I could tell that Satsu was feeling something very strongly, which translated itself onto her face as a look of extreme puzzlement, just as so many of her feelings did. But she said nothing further to me. She only took the pot from the stove and walked toward the door to dump it out.
The following morning, to take my mind off my troubles, I went swimming in the pond just inland from our house amid a grove of pine trees. The children from the village went there most mornings when the weather was right. Satsu came too sometimes, wearing a scratchy bathing dress she'd made from our father's old fishing clothes. It wasn't a very good bathing dress, because it sagged at her chest whenever she bent over, and one of the boys would scream, "Look! You can see Mount Fuji!" But she wore it just the same.
Around noontime, I decided to return home for something to eat. Satsu had left much earlier with the Sugi boy, who was the son of Mr. Tanaka's assistant. She acted like a dog around him. When he went somewhere, he looked back over his shoulder to signal that she should follow, and she always did. I didn't expect to see her again until dinner-time, but as I neared the house I caught sight of her on the path ahead of me, leaning against a tree. If you'd seen what was happening, you might have understood it right away; but I was only a little girl. Satsu had her scratchy bathing dress up around her shoulders and the Sugi boy was playing around with her "Mount Fujis," as the boys called them.
Ever since our mother first became ill, my sister had grown a bit pudgy. Her breasts were every bit as unruly as her hair. What amazed me most was that their unruliness appeared to be the very thing the Sugi boy found fascinating about them. He jiggled them with his hand, and pushed them to one side to watch them swing back and settle against her chest. I knew I shouldn't be spying, but I couldn't think what else to do with myself while the path ahead of me was blocked. And then suddenly I heard a man's voice behind me say:
Chiyo-chan, why are you squatting there behind that tree?
Considering that I was a little girl of nine, coming from a pond where I'd been swimming; and considering that as yet I had no shapes or textures on my body to conceal from anyone . . . well, it's easy to guess what I was wearing.
When I turned-still squatting on the path, and covering my nakedness with my arms as best I could-there stood Mr. Tanaka. I could hardly have been more embarrassed.
That must be your tipsy house over there, he said. "And over there, that looks like the Sugi boy. He certainly looks busy! Who's that girl with him?"
Well, it might be my sister, Mr. Tanaka. I'm waiting for them to leave.
Mr. Tanaka cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, and then I heard the sound of the Sugi boy running away down the path. My sister must have run away too, for Mr. Tanaka told me I could go home and get some clothes now. "When you see that sister of yours," he said to me, "I want you to give her this."
He handed me a packet wrapped in rice paper, about the size of a fish head. "It's some Chinese herbs," he told me. "Don't listen to Dr. Miura if he tells you they're worthless. Have your sister make tea with them and give the tea to your mother, to ease the pain. They're very precious herbs. Make sure not to waste them."
I'd better do it myself in that case, sir. My sister isn't very good at making tea.
Dr. Miura told me your mother is sick," he said. "Now you tell me your sister can't even be trusted to make tea! With your father so old, what will become of you, Chiyo-chan? Who takes care of you even now?"
I suppose I take care of myself these days."
I know a certain man. He's older now, but when he was a boy about your age, his father died. The very next year his mother died, and then his older brother ran away to Osaka and left him alone. Sounds a bit like you, don't you think?"
Mr. Tanaka gave me a look as if to say that I shouldn't dare to disagree.
Well, that man's name is Tanaka Ichiro, he went on. "Yes, me . . . although back then my name was Morihashi Ichiro. I was taken in by the Tanaka family at the age of twelve. After I got a bit older, I was married to the daughter and adopted. Now I help run the family's seafood company. So things turned out all right for me in the end, you see. Perhaps something like that might happen to you too."
I looked for a moment at Mr. Tanaka's gray hair and at the creases in his brow like ruts in the bark of a tree. He seemed to me the wisest and most knowledgeable man on earth. I believed he knew things I would never know; and that he had an elegance I would never have; and that his blue kimono was finer than anything I would ever have occasion to wear. I sat before him naked, on my haunches in the dirt, with my hair tangled and my face dirty, with the smell of pond water on my skin.
I don't think anyone would ever want to adopt me, I said.
No? You're a clever girl, aren't your1 Naming your house a 'tipsy house.' Saying your father's head looks like an egg!
But it does look like an egg.
It wouldn't have been a clever thing to say otherwise. Now run along, Chiyo-chan, he said. "You want lunch, don't you? Perhaps if your sister's having soup, you can lie on the floor and drink what she spills."
From that very moment on, I began to have fantasies that Mr. Tanaka would adopt me. Sometimes I forget how tormented I felt during this period. I suppose I would have grasped at anything that offered me comfort. Often when I felt troubled, I found my mind returning to the same image of my mother, long before she ever began groaning in the mornings from the pain's inside her. I was four years old, at the obon festival in our village, the time of year when we welcomed back the spirits of the dead. After a few evenings of ceremonies in the graveyard, and fires outside the entrances of the houses to guide the spirits home, we gathered on the festival's final night at our Shinto shrine, which stood on rocks overlooking the inlet. Just inside the gate of the shrine was a clearing, decorated that evening with colored paper lanterns strung on ropes between the trees. My mother and I danced together for a while with the rest of the villagers, to the music of drums and a flute; but at last I began to feel tired and she cradled me in her lap at the edge of the clearing. Suddenly the wind came up off the cliffs and one of the lanterns caught fire. We watched the flame burn through the cord, and the lantern came floating down, until the wind caught it again and rolled it through the air right toward us with a trail of gold dust streaking into the sky. The ball of fire seemed to settle on the ground, but then my mother and I watched as it rose up on the current of the wind, floating straight for us. I felt my mother release me, and then all at once she threw her arms into the fire to scatter it. For a moment we were both awash in sparks and flames; but then the shreds of fire drifted into the trees and burned out, and no one-not even my mother-was hurt.
A week or so later, when my fantasies of adoption had had plenty of time to ripen, I came home one afternoon to find Mr. Tanaka sitting across from my father at the little table in our house. I knew they were talking about something serious, because they didn't even notice me when I stepped into our entryway. I froze there to listen to them.
So, Sakamoto, what do you think of my proposal?
I don't know, sir, said my father. "I can't picture the girls living anywhere else."
I understand, but they'd be much better off, and so would you. Just see to it they come down to the village tomorrow afternoon.
At this, Mr. Tanaka stood to leave. I pretended I was just arriving so we would meet at the door.
I was talking with your father about you, Chiyo-chan, he said to me. "I live across the ridge in the town of Senzuru. It's bigger than Yoroido. I think you'd like it. Why don't you and Satsu-san come there tomorrow? You'll see my house and meet my little daughter. Perhaps you'll stay the night? Just one night, you understand; and then I'll bring you back to your home again. How would that be?"
I said it would be very nice. And I did my best to pretend no one had suggested anything out of the ordinary to me. But in my head it was as though an explosion had occurred. My thoughts were in fragments I could hardly piece together. Certainly it was true that a part of me hoped desperately to be adopted by Mr. Tanaka after my mother died; but another part of me was very much afraid. I felt horribly ashamed for even imagining I might live somewhere besides my tipsy house. After Mr. Tanaka had left, I tried to busy myself in the kitchen, but I felt a bit like Satsu, for I could hardly see the things before me. I don't know how much time passed. At length I heard my father making a sniffling noise, which I took to be crying and which made my face burn with shame. When I finally forced myself to glance his way, I saw him with his hands already tangled up in one of his fishing nets, but standing at the doorway leading into the back room, where my mother lay in the full sun with the sheet stuck to her like skin.
The next day, in preparation for meeting Mr. Tanaka in the village, I scrubbed my dirty ankles and soaked for a while in our bath, which had once been the boiler compartment from an old steam engine someone had abandoned in our village; the top had been sawed off and the inside lined with wood. I sat a long while looking out to sea and feeling very independent, for I was about to see something of the world outside our little village for the first time in my life.
When Satsu and I reached the Japan Coastal Seafood Company, we watched the fishermen unloading their catches at the pier. My father was among them, grabbing fish with his bony hands and dropping them into baskets. At one point he looked toward me and Satsu, and then afterward wiped his face on the sleeve of his shirt. Somehow his features looked heavier to me than usual. The men carried the full baskets to Mr. Tanaka's horse-drawn wagon and arranged them in the back. I climbed up on the wheel to watch. Mostly, the fish stared out with glassy eyes, but every so often one would move its mouth, which seemed to me like a little scream. I tried to reassure them by saying:
You're going to the town of Senzuru, little fishies! Everything will be okay.
I didn't see what good it would do to tell them the truth. At length Mr. Tanaka came out into the street and told Satsu and me to climb onto the bench of the wagon with him. I sat in the middle, close enough to feel the fabric of Mr. Tanaka's kimono against my hand. I couldn't help blushing at this. Satsu was looking right at me, but she didn't seem to' notice anything and wore her usual muddled expression.
I passed much of the trip looking back at the fish as they sloshed around in their baskets. When we climbed up over the ridge leaving Yoroido, the wheel passed over a rock and the wagon tipped to one side quite suddenly. One of the sea bass was thrown out and hit the ground so hard it was jolted back to life. To see it flopping and gasping was more than I could bear. I turned back around with tears in my eyes, and though I tried to hide them from Mr. Tanaka, he noticed them anyway. After he had retrieved the fish and we were on our way again, he asked me what was the matter. "The poor fish!" I said.
You're like my wife. They're mostly dead when she sees them, but if she has to cook a crab, or anything else still alive, she grows teary-eyed and sings to them.
Mr. Tanaka taught me a little song-really almost a sort of prayer-that I thought his wife had invented. She sang it for crabs, but we changed the words for the fish:
Suzuki yo suzuki!Jobutsu shite kure!
Little bass, oh little bass!Speed yourself to Buddhahood!
Then he taught me another song, a lullaby I'd never heard before. We sang it to a flounder in the back lying in a low basket by itself, with its two button-eyes on the side of its head shifting around.
Nemure yo, ii karei yo! Niwa ya makiba ni Tori mo hitsuji mo Minna nemurelia Hoshi wa mado kara Gin no hikari o Sosogu, kono yorul
Go to sleep, you good flounder!When all are sleeping-Even the birds and the sheepIn the gardens and in the fields-The stars this eveningWill pour their golden lightFrom the window.
We topped the ridge a few moments later, and the town of Senzuru came into view below us. The day was drab, everything in shades of gray. It was my first look at the world outside Yoroido, and I didn't think I'd missed much. I could see the thatched roofs of the town around an inlet, amid dull hills, and beyond them the metal-colored sea, broken with shards of white. Inland, the landscape might have been attractive but for the train tracks running across it like a scar.
Senzuru was mainly a dirty, smelly town. Even the ocean had a terrible odor, as if all the fish in it were rotting. Around the legs of the Pier, pieces of vegetables bobbed like the jellyfish in our little inlet.
The boats were scratched up, some of their timbers cracked; they looked to me as if they'd been fighting with one another.
Satsu and I sat a long while on the pier, until at length Mr. Tanaka called us inside the Japan Coastal Seafood Company's headquarters and led us down a long corridor. The corridor couldn't have smelled more strongly of fish guts if we had actually been inside a fish. But down at the end, to my surprise, was an office, lovely to my nine-year-old eyes. Inside the doorway, Satsu and I stood in our bare feet on a slimy floor of stone. Before us, a step led up to a platform covered with tatami mats. Perhaps this is what impressed me so; the raised flooring made everything look grander. In any case, I considered it the most beautiful room I'd ever seen-though it makes me laugh now to think that the office of a fish wholesaler in a tiny town on the Japan Sea could have made such an impression on anyone.
On the platform sat an old woman on a cushion, who rose when she saw us and came down to the edge to arrange herself on her knees. She was old and cranky-looking, and I don't think you could ever meet anyone who fidgeted more. When she wasn't smoothing her kimono, she was wiping something from the corner of her eye or scratching her nose, all the while sighing as though she felt very sorry there was so much fidgeting to be done.
Mr. Tanaka said to her, "This is Chiyo-chan and her older sister,
Satsu-san."
I gave a little bow, to which Mrs. Fidget responded with a nod. Then she gave the biggest sigh she'd given yet, and began to pick with one hand at a crusty patch on her neck. I would have liked to look away, but her eyes were fixed on mine.
Well! You're Satsu-san, are you? she said. But she was still looking right at me.
I'm Satsu, said-my sister. "When were you born?"
Satsu still seemed unsure which of us Mrs. Fidget was addressing, so I answered for her. "She's the year of the cow," I said.
The old woman reached out and patted me with her fingers. But she did it in a most peculiar way, by poking me several times in the jaw. I knew she meant it as a pat because she wore a kindly look.
This one's rather pretty, isn't she? Such unusual eyes! And you can see that she's clever. Just look at her forehead. Here she turned to my sister again and said, "Now, then. The year of the cow; fifteen years old; the planet Venus; six, white. Hmm . . . Come a bit closer."
Satsu did as she was told. Mrs. Fidget began to examine her face, not only with her eyes but with her fingertips. She spent a long while checking Satsu's nose from different angles, and her ears. She pinched the lobes a number of times, then gave a grunt to indicate she was done with Satsu and turned to me.
You're the year of the monkey. I can tell it just looking at you. What a great deal of water you have! Eight, white; the planet Saturn. And a very attractive girl you are. Come closer.
Now she proceeded to do the same thing to me, pinching my ears and so on. I kept thinking of how she'd scratched at the crusty patch on her neck with these same fingers. Soon she got to her feet and came down onto the stone floor where we stood. She took a while getting her crooked feet into her zori, but finally turned toward Mr. Tanaka and gave him a look he seemed to understand at once, because he left the room, closing the door behind him.
Mrs. Fidget untied the peasant shirt Satsu was wearing and removed it. She moved Satsu's bosoms around a bit, looked under her arms, and then turned her around and looked at her back. I was in such a state of shock, I could barely bring myself to watch. I'd certainly seen Satsu naked before, but the way Mrs. Fidget handled her body seemed even more indecent to me than when Satsu had held her bathing dress up for the Sugi boy. Then, as if she hadn't done enough already, Mrs. Fidget yanked Satsu's pants to the floor, looked her up and down, and turned her around facing front again.
Step out of your pants, she said.
Satsu's face was more confused than I'd seen it in a long while, but she stepped out of her pants and left them on the slimy stone floor. Mrs. Fidget took her by the shoulders and seated her on the platform. Satsu was completely naked; I'm sure she had no more idea why she should be sitting there than I did. But she had no time to wonder about it either, for in an instant Mrs. Fidget had put her hands on Satsu's knees and spread them apart. And without a moment's hesitation she reached her hand between Satsu's legs. After this I could no longer bring myself to watch. I think Satsu must have resisted, for Mrs. Fidget gave a shout, and at the same moment I heard a loud slap, which was Mrs. Fidget smacking Satsu on the leg-as I could tell later from the red mark there. In a moment Mrs. Fidget was done and told Satsu to put her clothes back on. While she was dressing, Satsu gave a big sniff. She may have been crying, but I didn't dare look at her.
Next, Mrs. Fidget came straight at me, and in a moment my own pants were down around my knees, and my shirt was taken off me just as Satsu's had been. I had no bosoms for the old woman to move around, but she looked under my arms just as she'd done with my sister, and turned me around too, before seating me on the platform and pulling my pants off my legs. I was terribly frightened of what she would do, and when she tried to spread my knees apart, she had to slap me on the leg just as she'd slapped Satsu, which made my throat begin to burn from holding back my tears. She put a finger between my legs and gave what felt to me like a pinch, in such a way that I cried out. When she told me to dress again, I felt as a dam must feel when it's holding back an entire river. But I was afraid if Satsu or I began to sob like little children, we might look bad in Mr. Tanaka's eyes.
The girls are healthy, she said to Mr. Tanaka when he came back into the room, "and very suitable. Both of them are intact. The older one has far too much wood, but the younger one has a good deal of water. Pretty too, don't you think? Her older sister looks like a peasant beside her!"
I'm sure they're both attractive girls in their way, he said. "Why don't we talk about it while I walk you out? The girls will wait here for me."
When Mr. Tanaka had closed the door behind them, I turned to see Satsu sitting on the edge of the platform, gazing upward toward the ceiling. Because of the shape of her face, tears were pooled along the tops of her nostrils, and I burst into tears myself the moment I saw her upset. I felt myself to blame for what had happened, and wiped her face with the corner of my peasant shirt.
Who was that horrible woman? she said to me.
She must be a fortune-teller. Probably Mr. Tanaka wants to learn as much about us as he can . . .
But why should she look at us in that horrible way!
Satsu-san, don't you understand? I said. "Mr. Tanaka is planning to adopt us."
When she heard this, Satsu began to blink as if a bug had crawled into her eye. "What are you talking about?" she said. "Mr. Tanaka can't adopt us."
Father is so old . . . and now that our mother is sick, I think Mr. Tanaka is worried about our future. There won't be anyone to take care of us.
Satsu stood, she was so agitated to hear this. In a moment her eyes had begun to squint, and I could see she was hard at work willing herself to believe that nothing was going to take us from our tipsy house. She was squeezing out the things I'd told her in the same way you might squeeze water from a sponge. Slowly her face began to relax again, and she sat down once more on the edge of the platform. In a moment she was gazing around the room as if we'd never had the conversation at all.
Mr. Tanaka's house lay at the end of a lane just outside the town. The glade of pine trees surrounding it smelled as richly as the ocean back on the seacliffs at our house; and when 1 thought of the ocean and how I would be trading one smell for another, I felt a terrible emptiness I had to pull myself away from, just as you might step back from a cliff after peering over it. The house was grander than anything in Yoroido, with enormous eaves like our village shrine. And when Mr. Tanaka stepped up into his entryway he left his shoes right where he walked out of them, because a maid came and stowed them on a shelf for him. Satsu and I had no shoes to put away, but just as I was about to walk into the house, I felt something strike me softly on my backside, and a pine cone fell onto the wood floor between my feet. I turned to see a young girl about my age, with very short hair, running to hide behind a tree. She peered out to smile at me with a triangle of empty space between her front teeth and then ran away, looking back over her shoulder so I'd be certain to chase her. It may sound peculiar, but I'd never had the experience of actually meeting another little girl. Of course I knew the girls in my village, but we'd grown up together and had never done anything that might be called "meeting." But Kuniko-for that was the name of Mr. Tanaka's little daughter-was so friendly from the first instant I saw her, I thought it might be easy for me to move from one world into another.
Kuniko's clothing was much more refined than mine, and she wore zori; but being the village girl I was, I chased her out into the woods barefoot until I caught up to her at a sort of playhouse made from the sawed-off branches of a dead tree. She'd laid out rocks and pine cones to make rooms. In one she pretended to serve me tea out of a cracked cup; in another we took turns nursing her baby doll, a little boy named Taro who was really nothing more than a canvas bag stuffed with dirt. Taro loved strangers, said Kuniko, but he was very frightened of earthworms; and by a most peculiar coincidence, so was Kuniko. When we encountered one, Kuniko made sure I carried it outside in my fingers before poor Taro should burst into tears.
I was delighted at the prospect of having Kuniko for a sister. In fact, the majestic trees and the pine smell-even Mr. Tanaka-all began to seem almost insignificant to me in comparison. The difference between life here at the Tanakas' house and life in Yoroido was as great as the difference between the odor of something cooking and a mouthful of delicious food.
As it grew dark, we washed our hands and feet at the well, and went inside to take our seats on the floor around a square table. I was amazed to see steam from the meal we were about to eat rising up into the rafters of a ceiling high above me, with electric lights hanging down over our heads. The brightness of the room was startling; I'd never seen such a thing before. Soon the servants brought our dinner-grilled salted sea bass, pickles, soup, and steamed rice-but the moment we began to eat, the lights went out. Mr. Tanaka laughed; this happened quite often, apparently. The servants went around lighting lanterns that hung on wooden tripods.
No one spoke very much as we ate. I'd expected Mrs. Tanaka to be glamorous, but she looked like an older version of Satsu, except that she smiled a good deal. After dinner she and Satsu began playing a game of go, and Mr. Tanaka stood and called a maid to bring his kimono jacket. In a moment Mr. Tanaka was gone, and after a short delay, Kuniko gestured to me to follow her out the door. She put on straw zori and lent me an extra pair. I asked her where we were going.
Quietly! she said. "We're following my daddy. I do it every time he goes out. It's a secret."
We headed up the lane and turned on the main street toward the town of Senzuru, following some distance behind Mr. Tanaka. In a few minutes we were walking among the houses of the town, and then Kuniko took my arm and pulled me down a side street. At the end of a stone walkway between two houses, we came to a window covered with paper screens that shone with the light inside. Kuniko put her eye to a hole torn just at eye level in one of the screens. While she peered in, I heard the sounds of laughter and talking, and someone singing to the accompaniment of a shamisen. At length she stepped aside so I could put my own eye to the hole. Half the room inside was blocked from my view by a folding screen, but I could see Mr. Tanaka seated on the mats with a group of three or four men. An old man beside him was telling a story about holding a ladder for a young woman and peering up her robe; everyone was laughing except Mr. Tanaka, who gazed straight ahead toward the part of the room blocked from my view. An older woman in kimono came with a glass for him, which he held while she poured beer. Mr. Tanaka struck me as an island in the midst of the sea, because although everyone else was enjoying the story-even the elderly woman pouring the beer-Mr. Tanaka just went on staring at the other end of the table. I took my eye from the hole to ask Kuniko what sort of place this was.
It's a teahouse, she told me, "where geisha entertain. My daddy comes here almost every night. I don't know why he likes it so. The women pour drinks, and the men tell stories-except when they sing songs. Everybody ends up drunk."
I put my eye back to the hole in time to see a shadow crossing the wall, and then a woman came into view. Her hair was ornamented with the dangling green bloom of a willow, and she wore a soft pink kimono with white flowers like cutouts all over it. The broad obi tied around her middle was orange and yellow. I'd never seen such elegant clothing. None of the women in Yoroido owned anything more sophisticated than a cotton robe, or perhaps linen, with a simple pattern in indigo. But unlike her clothing, the woman herself wasn't lovely at all. Her teeth protruded so badly that her lips didn't quite cover them, and the narrowness of her head made me wonder if she'd been pressed between two boards as a baby. You may think me cruel to describe her so harshly; but it struck me as odd that even though no one could have called her a beauty, Mr. Tanaka's eyes were fixed on her like a rag on a hook. He went on watching her while everyone else laughed, and when she knelt beside him to pour a few more drops of beer into his glass, she looked up at him in a way that suggested they knew each other very well.
Kuniko took another turn peeking through the hole; and then we went back to her house and sat together in the bath at the edge of the pine forest. The sky was extravagant with stars, except for the half blocked by limbs above me. I could have sat much longer trying to understand all I'd seen that day and the changes confronting me . . . but Kuniko had grown so sleepy in the hot water that the servants soon came to help us out.
Satsu was snoring already when Kuniko and I lay down on our futons beside her, with our bodies pressed together and our arms intertwined. A warm feeling of gladness began to swell inside me, and I whispered to Kuniko, "Did you know I'm going to come and live with you?" I thought the news would shock her into opening her eyes, or maybe even sitting up. But it didn't rouse her from her slumber. She let out a groan, and then a moment later her breath was warm and moist, with the rattle of sleep in it.
Back at home my mother seemed to have grown sicker in the day I'd been away. Or perhaps it was just that I'd managed to forget how ill she really was. Mr. Tanaka's house had smelled of smoke and pine, but ours smelled of her illness in a way I can't even bear to describe. Satsu was working in the village during the afternoon, so Mrs. Sugi came to help me bathe my mother. When we carried her out of the house, her rib cage was broader than her shoulders, and even the whites of her eyes were -cloudy. I could only endure seeing her this way by remembering how I'd once felt stepping out of the bath with her while she was strong and healthy, when the steam had risen from our pale skin as if we were two pieces of boiled radish. I found it hard to imagine that this woman, whose back I'd so often scraped with a stone, and whose flesh had always seemed firmer and smoother to me than Satsu's, might be dead before even the end of summer.
That night while lying on my futon, I tried to picture the whole confusing situation from every angle to persuade myself that things would somehow be all right. To begin with, I wondered, how could we go on living without my mother? Even if we did survive and Mr. Tanaka adopted us, would my own family cease to exist? Finally I decided Mr. Tanaka wouldn't adopt just my sister and me, but my father as well. He couldn't expect my father to live alone, after all. Usually I couldn't fall asleep until I'd managed to convince myself this was true, with the result that I didn't sleep much during those weeks, and mornings were a blur.
On one of these mornings during the heat of the summer, I was on my way back from fetching a packet of tea in the village when I heard a crunching noise behind me. It turned out to be Mr. Sugi-Mr. Tanaka's assistant-running up the path. When he reached me, he took a long while to catch his breath, huffing and holding his side as if he'd just run all the way from Senzuru. He was red and shiny like a snapper, though the day hadn't grown hot yet. Finally he said:
Mr. Tanaka wants you and your sister ... to come down to the village ... as soon as you can.
I'd thought it odd that my father hadn't gone out fishing that morning. Now I knew why: Today was the day.
And my father? I asked. "Did Mr. Tanaka say anything about him?"
Just get along, Chiyo-chan, he told me. "Go and fetch your sister."
I didn't like this, but I ran up to the house and found my father sitting at the table, digging grime out of a rut in the wood with one of his fingernails. Satsu was putting slivers of charcoal into the stove. It seemed as though the two of them were waiting for something horrible to happen.
I said, "Father, Mr. Tanaka wants Satsu-san and me to go down to the village."
Satsu took off her apron, hung it on a peg, and walked out the door. My father didn't answer, but blinked a few times, staring at the point where Satsu had been. Then he turned his eyes heavily toward the floor and gave a nod. I heard my mother cry out in her sleep from the back room.
Satsu was almost to the village before I caught up with her. I'd imagined this day for weeks already, but I'd never expected to feel as frightened as I did. Satsu didn't seem to realize this trip to the village was any different from one she might have made the day before. She hadn't even bothered to clean the charcoal off her hands; while wiping her hair away she ended up with a smudge on her face. I didn't want her to meet Mr. Tanaka in this condition, so I reached up to rub off the mark as our mother might have done. Satsu knocked my hand away.
Outside the Japan Coastal Seafood Company, I bowed and said good morning to Mr. Tanaka, expecting he would be happy to see us. Instead he was strangely cold. I suppose this should have been my first clue that things weren't going to happen just the way I'd imagined. When he led us to his horse-drawn wagon, I decided he probably wanted to drive us to his house so that his wife and daughter would be in the room when he told us about our adoption.
Mr. Sugi will be riding in the front with me, he said, "so you and Shizu-san had better get into the back." That's just what he said: "Shizu-san." I thought it very rude of him to get my sister's name wrong that way, but she didn't seem to notice. She climbed into the back of the wagon and sat down among the empty fish baskets, putting one of her hands flat onto the slimy planks. And then with that same hand, she wiped a fly from her face, leaving a shiny patch on her cheek. I didn't feel as indifferently about the slime as Satsu did. I couldn't think about anything but the smell, and about how satisfied I would feel to wash my hands and perhaps even my clothes when we reached Mr. Tanaka's house.
During the trip, Satsu and I didn't speak a word, until we topped the hill overlooking Senzuru, when all of a sudden she said:
A train.
I looked out to see a train in the distance, making its way toward the town. The smoke rolled downwind in a way that made me think of the skin being shed from a snake. I thought this was clever and tried explaining it to Satsu, but she didn't seem to care. Mr. Tanaka would have appreciated it, I thought, and so would Kuniko. I decided to explain it to both of them when we reached the Tanakas' home.
Then suddenly I realized we weren't headed in the direction of Mr. Tanaka's home at all.
The wagon came to a stop a few minutes later on a patch of dirt beside the train tracks, just outside the town. A crowd of people stood with sacks and crates piled around them. And there, to one side of them, was Mrs. Fidget, standing beside a peculiarly narrow man wearing a stiff kimono. He had soft black hair, like a cat's, and held in one of his hands a cloth bag suspended from a string. He struck rne as out of place in Senzuru, particularly there beside the farmers and the fishermen with their crates, and an old hunched woman wearing a rucksack of yams. Mrs. Fidget said something to him, and when he turned and peered at us, I decided at once that I was frightened of him.
Mr. Tanaka introduced us to this man, whose name was Bekku. Mr. Bekku said nothing at all, but only looked closely at me and seemed puzzled by Satsu.
Mr. Tanaka said to him, "I've brought Sugi with me from Yoroido. Would you like him to accompany you? He knows the girls, and I can spare him for a day or so."
No, no, said Mr. Bekku, waving his hand.
I certainly hadn't expected any of this. I asked where we were going, but no one seemed to hear me, so I came up with an answer for myself. I decided Mr. Tanaka had been displeased by what Mrs. Fidget had told him about us, and that this curiously narrow man, Mr. Bekku, planned to take us somewhere to have our fortunes told more completely. Afterward we would be returned to Mr. Tanaka.
While I tried my best to soothe myself with these thoughts, Mrs. Fidget, wearing a pleasant smile, led Satsu and me some distance down the dirt platform. When we were too far away for the others to hear us, her smile vanished and she said:
Now listen to me. You're both naughty girls! She looked around to be sure no one was watching and then hit us on the tops of our heads. She didn't hurt me, but I cried out in surprise. "If you do something to embarrass me," she went on, "I'll make you pay for it! Mr. Bekku is a stern man; you must pay attention to what he says! If he tells you to crawl under the seat of the train, you'll do it. Understand?" From the expression on Mrs. Fidget's face, I knew I should answer her or she might hurt me. But I was in such shock I couldn't speak. And then just as I'd feared, she reached out and began pinching me so hard on the side of my neck that I couldn't even tell which part of me hurt. I felt as if I'd fallen into a tub of creatures that were biting me everywhere, and I heard myself whimper. The next thing I knew, Mr. Tanaka was standing beside us.
What's going on here? he said. "If you have something more to say to these girls, say it while I'm standing here. There's no cause for you to treat them this way."
I'm sure we have a great many more things to talk about. But the train is coming, Mrs. Fidget said. And it was true: I could see it curling around a turn not far in the distance.
Mr. Tanaka led us back up the platform to where the farmers and old women were gathering up their things. Soon the train came to a stop before us. Mr. Bekku, in his stiff kimono, wedged himself between Satsu and me and led us by our elbows into the train car. I heard Mr. Tanaka say something, but I was too confused and upset to understand it. I couldn't trust what I heard. It might have been:
Mata yol "Well meet again!"
Or this:
Matte yol "Wait!"
Or even this:
Ma . . . deyol "Well, let's go!"
When I peered out the window, I saw Mr. Tanaka walking back toward his cart and Mrs. Fidget wiping her hands all over her kimono.
After a moment, my sister said, "Chiyo-chan!"
I buried my face in my hands; and honestly I would have plunged in anguish through the floor of the train if I could have. Because the way my sister said my name, she hardly needed to say anything more.
Do you know where we're going? she said to me.
I think all she wanted was a yes or no answer. Probably it didn't matter to her what our destination was-so long as someone knew what was happening. But, of course, I didn't. I asked the narrow man, Mr. Bekku, but he paid me no attention. He was still staring at Satsu as if he had never seen anything like her before. Finally he squeezed his face into a look of disgust and said:
Fish! What a stench, the both of you!
He took a comb from his drawstring bag and began tearing it through her hair. I'm certain he must have hurt her, but I could see that watching the countryside pass by outside the window hurt her even more. In a moment Satsu's lips turned down like a baby's, and she began to cry. Even if she'd hit me and yelled at me, I wouldn't have ached as much as I did watching her whole face tremble. Everything was my fault. An old peasant woman with her teeth bared like a dog's came over with a carrot for Satsu, and after giving it to her asked where she was going.
Kyoto, Mr. Bekku answered.
I felt so sick with worry at hearing this, I couldn't bring myself to look Satsu in the eye any longer. Even the town of Senzuru seemed a remote, faraway place. As for Kyoto, it sounded as foreign to me as Hong Kong, or even New York, which I'd once heard Dr. Miura talk about. For all I knew, they ground up children in Kyoto and fed them to dogs.
We were on that train for many hours, without food to eat. The sight of Mr. Bekku taking a wrapped-up lotus leaf from his bag, and unwrapping it to reveal a rice ball sprinkled with sesame seeds, certainly got my attention. But when he took it in his bony fingers and pressed it into his mean little mouth without so much as looking at me, I felt as if I couldn't take another moment of torment. We got off the train at last in a large town, which I took to be Kyoto; but after a time another train pulled into the station, and we boarded it. This one did take us to Kyoto. It was much more crowded than the first train had been, so that we had to stand. By the time we arrived, as evening was approaching, I felt as sore as a rock must feel when the waterfall has pounded on it all day long.
I could see little of the city as we neared Kyoto Station. But then to my astonishment, I caught a glimpse of rooftops reaching as far as the base of hills in the distance. I could never have imagined a city so huge. Even to this day, the sight of streets and buildings from a train often makes me remember the terrible emptiness and fear I felt on that curious day when I first left my home.
Back then, around 1930, a fair number of rickshaws still operated in Kyoto. In fact, so many were lined up before the station that I imagined no one went anywhere in this big city unless it was in a rickshaw-which couldn't have been further from the truth. Perhaps fifteen or twenty of them sat pitched forward onto their poles, with their drivers squatting nearby, smoking or eating; some of the drivers even lay curled up asleep right there in the filth of the street.
Mr. Bekku led us by our elbows again, as if we were a couple of buckets he was bringing back from the well. He probably thought I'd have run away if he'd let go of me a moment; but I wouldn't have. Wherever he was taking us, I preferred it to being cast out alone into that great expanse of streets and buildings, as foreign to me as the bottom of the sea.
We climbed into a rickshaw, with Mr. Bekku squeezed tightly on the bench between us. He was a good deal bonier under that kimono even than I suspected. We pitched back as the driver raised the poles, and then Mr. Bekku said, "Tominaga-cho, in Gion."
The driver said nothing in reply, but gave the rickshaw a tug to get it moving and then set off at a trot. After a block or two I worked up my courage and said to Mr. Bekku, "Won't you please tell us where we're going?"
He didn't look as if he would reply, but after a moment he said, "To your new home."
At this, my eyes filled with tears. I heard Satsu weeping on the other side of Mr. Bekku and was just about to let out a sob of my own when Mr. Bekku suddenly struck her, and she let out a loud gasp. I bit my lip and stopped myself so quickly from crying any further that I think the tears themselves may have come to a halt as they slid down my cheeks.
Soon we turned onto an avenue that seemed as broad as the whole village of Yoroido. I could hardly see the other side for all the people, bicycles, cars, and trucks. I'd never seen a car before. I'd seen photographs, but I remember being surprised at how . . . well, cruel, is the way they looked to me in my frightened state, as though they were designed more to hurt people than to help them. All my senses were assaulted. Trucks rumbled past so close I could smell the scorched rubber odor of their tires. I heard a horrible screech, which turned out to be a streetcar on tracks in the center of the avenue.
I felt terrified as evening settled in around us; but I was never so astonished by anything in my life as by my first glimpse of city lights. I'd never even seen electricity except during part of our dinner at Mr. Tanaka's house. Here, windows were lit along the buildings upstairs and down, and the people on the sidewalks stood under puddles of yellow glow. I could see pinpoints even at the far reaches of the avenue. We turned onto another street, and I saw for the first time the Mi-namiza Theater standing on the opposite side of a bridge ahead of us. Its tiled roof was so grand, I thought it was a palace.
At length the rickshaw turned down an alleyway of wooden houses. The way they were all packed together, they seemed to share one continuous facade-which once again gave me the terrible feeling of being lost. I watched women in kimono rushing around in a great hurry on the little street. They looked very elegant to me; though, as I later learned, they were mostly maids.
When we came to a halt before a doorway, Mr. Bekku instructed me to get out. He climbed out behind me, and then as if the day hadn't been difficult enough, the worst thing of all happened. For when Satsu tried to get out as well, Mr. Bekku turned and pushed her back with his long arm.
Stay there, he said to her. "You're going elsewhere."
I looked at Satsu, and Satsu looked at me. It may have been the first time we'd ever completely understood each other's feelings. But it lasted only a moment, for the next thing I knew my eyes had welled up with tears so much I could scarcely see. I felt myself being dragged backward by Mr. Bekku; I heard women's voices and quite a bit of commotion. I was on the point of throwing myself onto the street when suddenly Satsu's mouth fell open at something she saw in the doorway behind me.
I was in a narrow entryway with an ancient-looking well on one side and a few plants on the other. Mr. Bekku had dragged me inside, and now he pulled me up onto my feet. There on the step of the entryway, just slipping her feet into her lacquered zori, stood an exquisitely beautiful woman wearing a kimono lovelier than anything I'd ever imagined. I'd been impressed with the kimono worn by the young bucktoothed geisha in Mr. Tanaka's village of Senzuru; but this one was a water blue, with swirling lines in ivory to mimic the current in a stream. Glistening silver trout tumbled in the current, and the surface of the water was ringed with gold wherever the soft green leaves of a tree touched it. I had no doubt the gown was woven of pure silk, and so was the obi, embroidered in pale greens and yellows. And her clothing wasn't the only extraordinary thing about her; her face was painted a kind of rich white, like the wall of a cloud when lit by the sun. Her hair, fashioned into lobes, gleamed as darkly as lacquer, and was decorated with ornaments carved out of amber, and with a bar from which tiny silver strips dangled, shimmering as she moved.
This was my first glimpse of Hatsumomo. At the time, she was one of the most renowned geisha in the district of Gion; though of course I didn't know any of this then. She was a petite woman; the top of her hairstyle reached no higher than Mr. Bekku's shoulder. I was so startled by her appearance that I forgot my manners-not that I had developed very good manners yet-and stared directly at her face. She was smiling at me, though not in a kindly way. And then she said:
Mr. Bekku, could you take out the garbage later? I'd like to be on my way.
There was no garbage in the entryway; she was talking about me. Mr. Bekku said he thought Hatsumomo had enough room to pass.
You may not mind being so close to her, said Hatsumomo. "But when I see filth on one side of the street, I cross to the other."
Suddenly an older woman, tall and knobby, like a bamboo pole, appeared in the doorway behind her.
I don't know how anyone puts up with you, Hatsumomo-san, said the woman. But she gestured for Mr. Bekku to pull me onto the street again, which he did. After this she stepped down into the entry-way very awkwardly-for one of her hips jutted out and made it difficult for her to walk-and crossed to a tiny cabinet on the wall. She took from it something that looked to me like a piece of flint, along with a rectangular stone like the kind fishermen use to sharpen their knives, and then stood behind Hatsumomo and struck the flint against the stone, causing a little cluster of sparks to jump onto Hatsumomo's back. I didn't understand this at all; but you see, geisha are more superstitious even than fishermen. A geisha will never go out for the evening until someone has sparked a flint on her back for good luck.
After this, Hatsumomo walked away, using such tiny steps that she seemed to glide along with the bottom of her kimono fluttering just a bit. I didn't know that she was a geisha at the time, for she was worlds above the creature I'd seen in Senzuru a few weeks earlier. I decided she must be some sort of stage performer. We all watched her float away, and then Mr. Bekku handed me over to the older woman in the entryway. He climbed back into the rickshaw with my sister, and the driver raised the poles. But I never saw them leave, because I was slumped down in the entryway in tears.
The older woman must have taken pity on me; for a long while I lay there sobbing in my misery without anyone touching me. I even heard her shush up a maid who came from inside the house to speak with her. At length she helped me to my feet and dried my face with a handkerchief she took from one sleeve of her simple gray kimono.
Now, now, little girl. There's no need to worry so. No one's going to cook you. She spoke with the same peculiar accent as Mr. Bekku and Hatsumomo. It sounded so different from the Japanese spoken in my village that I had a hard time understanding her. But in any case, hers were the kindest words anyone had said to me all day, so I made up my mind to do what she advised. She told me to call her Auntie. And then she looked down at me, square in the face, and said in a throaty voice:
Heavens! What startling eyes! You're a lovely girl, aren't you? Mother will be thrilled.
I thought at once that the mother of this woman, whoever she was, must be very old, because Auntie's hair, knotted tightly at the back of her head, was mostly gray, with only streaks of black remaining.
Auntie led me through the doorway, where I found myself standing on a dirt corridor passing between two closely spaced structures to a courtyard in the back. One of the structures was a little dwelling like my house in Yoroido-two rooms with floors of dirt; it turned out to be the maids' quarters. The other was a small, elegant house sitting up on foundation stones in such a way that a cat might have crawled underneath it. The corridor between them opened onto the dark sky above, which gave me the feeling I was standing in something more like a miniature village than a house-especially since I could see several other small wooden buildings down in the courtyard at the end. I didn't know it at the time, but this was a very typical dwelling for the section of Kyoto in which it stood. The buildings in the courtyard, though they gave the impression of another group of tiny houses, were just a small shed for the toilets and a storehouse of two levels with a ladder on the outside. The entire dwelling fitted into an area smaller than Mr. Tanaka's home in the countryside and housed only eight people. Or rather nine, now that I had arrived.
After I took in the peculiar arrangement of all the little buildings, I noticed the elegance of the main house. In Yoroido the wood structures were more gray than brown, and rutted by the salty air. But here the wood floors and beams gleamed with the yellow light of electric lamps. Opening off the front hallway were sliding doors with paper screens, as well as a staircase that seemed to climb straight up. One of these doors stood open, so that I was able to see a wood cabinet with a Buddhist altar. These elegant rooms turned out to be for the use of the family-and also Hatsumomo, even though, as I would come to understand, she wasn't a family member at all. When family members wanted to go to the courtyard, they didn't walk down the dirt corridor as the servants did, but had their own ramp of polished wood running along the side of the house. There were even separate toilets-an upper one for family and a lower one for servants.
I had yet to discover most of these things, though I would learn them within a day or two. But I stood there in the corridor a long while, wondering what sort of place this was and feeling very afraid. Auntie had disappeared into the kitchen and was talking in a hoarse voice to somebody. At length the somebody came out. She turned out to be a girl about my age, carrying a wooden bucket so heavy with water that she sloshed half of it onto the dirt floor. Her body was narrow; but her face was plump and almost perfectly round, so that she looked to me like a melon on a stick. She was straining to carry the bucket, and her tongue stuck out of her mouth just the way the stem comes out of the top of a pumpkin. As I soon learned, this was a habit of hers. She stuck her tongue out when she stirred her miso soup, or scooped rice into a bowl, or even tied the knot of her robe. And her face was truly so plump and so soft, with that tongue curling out like a pumpkin stem, that within a few days I'd given her the nickname of "Pumpkin," which everyone came to call her-even her customers many years later when she was a geisha in Gion.
When she had put down the bucket near me, Pumpkin retracted her tongue, and then brushed a strand of hair behind her ear while she looked me up and down. I thought she might say something, but she just went on looking, as though she were trying to make up her mind whether or not to take a bite of me. Really, she did seem hungry; and then at last she leaned in and whispered:
Where on earth did you come from?
I didn't think it would help to say that I had come from Yoroido; since her accent was as strange to me as everyone else's, I felt sure she wouldn't recognize the name of my village. I said instead that I'd just arrived.
I thought I would never see another girl my age, she said to me. But what's the matter with your eyes?"
Just then Auntie came out from the kitchen, and after shooing Pumpkin away, picked up the bucket and a scrap of cloth, and led me down to the courtyard. It had a beautiful mossy look, with stepping-stones leading to a storehouse in the back; but it smelled horrible because of the toilets in the little shed along one side. Auntie told me to undress. I was afraid she might do to me something like what Mrs. Fidget had done, but instead she only poured water over my shoulders andrubbed me down with the rag. Afterward she gave me a robe, which was nothing more than coarsely woven cotton in the simplest pattern of dark blue, but it was certainly more elegant than anything I'd ever worn before. An old woman who turned out to be the cook came down into the corridor with several elderly maids to peer at me. Auntie told them they would have plenty of time for staring another day and sent them back where they'd come from.
Now listen, little girl, Auntie said to me, when we were alone. "I don't even want to know your name yet. The last girl who came, Mother and Granny didn't like her, and she was here only a month. I'm too old to keep learning new names, until they've decided they're going to keep you."
What will happen if they don't want to keep me? I asked.
It's better for you if they keep you.
May I ask, ma'am . . . what is this place?
It's an okiya, she said. "It's where geisha live. If you work very hard, you'll grow up to be a geisha yourself. But you won't make it as far as next week unless you listen to me very closely, because Mother and Granny are coming down the stairs in just a moment to look at you. And they'd better like what they see. Your job is to bow as low as you can, and don't look them in the eye. The older one, the one we call Granny, has never liked anyone in her life, so don't worry about what she says. If she asks you a question, don't even answer it, for heaven's sake! I'll answer for you. The one you want to impress is Mother. She's not a bad sort, but she cares about only one thing."
I didn't have a chance to find out what that one thing was, for I heard a creaking noise from the direction of the front entrance hall, and soon the two women came drifting out onto the walkway. I didn't dare look at them. But what I could see out of the corner of my eye made me think of two lovely bundles of silk floating along a stream. In a moment they were hovering on the walkway in front of me, where they sank down and smoothed their kimono across their knees.
Umeko-san! Auntie shouted-for this was the name of the cook. "Bring tea for Granny."
I don't want tea, I heard an angry voice say.
Now, Granny, said a raspier voice, which I took to be Mother's. "You don't have to drink it. Auntie only wants to be sure you're comfortable."
There's no being comfortable with these bones of mine, the old woman grumbled. I heard her take in a breath to say something more, but Auntie interrupted.
This is the new girl, Mother, she said, and gave me a little shove, which I took as a signal to bow. I got onto my knees and bowed so low, I could smell the musty air wafting from beneath the foundation. Then I heard Mother's voice again.
Get up and come closer. I want to have a look at you.
I felt certain she was going to say something more to me after I'd approached her, but instead she took from her obi, where she kept it tucked, a pipe with a metal bowl and a long stem made of bamboo. She set it down beside her on the walkway and then brought from the pocket of her sleeve a drawstring bag of silk, from which she removed a big pinch of tobacco. She packed the tobacco with her little finger, stained the burnt orange color of a roasted yam, and then put the pipe into her mouth and lit it with a match from a tiny metal box.
Now she took a close look at me for the first time, puffing on her pipe while the old woman beside her sighed. I didn't feel I could look at Mother directly, but I had the impression of smoke seeping out of her face like steam from a crack in the earth. I was so curious about her that my eyes took on a life of their own and began to dart about. The more I saw of her, the more fascinated I became. Her kimono was yellow, with willowy branches bearing lovely green and orange leaves; it was made of silk gauze as delicate as a spider's web. Her obi was every bit as astonishing to me. It was a lovely gauzy texture too, but heavier-looking, in russet and brown with gold threads woven through. The more I looked at her clothing, the less I was aware of standing there on that dirt corridor, or of wondering what had become of my sister-and my mother and father-and what would become of me. Every detail of this woman's kimono was enough to make me forget myself. And then I came upon a rude shock: for there above the collar of her elegant kimono was a face so mismatched to the clothing that it was as though I'd been patting a cat's body only to discover that it had a bulldog's head. She was a hideous-looking woman, though much younger than Auntie, which I hadn't expected. It turned out that Mother was actually Auntie's younger sister-though they called each other "Mother" and "Auntie," just as everyone else in the okiya did. Actually they weren't really sisters in the way Satsu and I were. They hadn't been born into the same family; but Granny had adopted them both.
I was so dazed as I stood there, with so many thoughts running through my mind, that I ended up doing the very thing Auntie had told me not to do. I looked straight into Mother's eyes. When I did she took the pipe from her mouth, which caused her jaw to fall open like a trapdoor. And even though I knew I should at all costs look down again, her peculiar eyes were so shocking to me in their ugliness that I could do nothing but stand there staring at them. Instead of being white and clear, the whites of her eyes had a hideous yellow cast, and made me think at once of a toilet into which someone had just urinated. They were rimmed with the raw lip of her lids, in which a cloudy moisture was pooled; and all around them the skin was sagging.
I drew my eyes downward as far as her mouth, which still hung open. The colors of her face were all mixed up: the rims of her eyelids were red like meat, and her gums and tongue were gray. And to make things more horrible, each of her lower teeth seemed to be anchored in a little pool of blood at the gums. This was due to some sort of deficiency in Mother's diet over the past years, as I later learned; but I couldn't help feeling, the more I looked at her, that she was like a tree that has begun to lose its leaves. I was so shocked by the whole effect that I think I must have taken a step back, or let out a gasp, or in some way given her some hint of my feelings, for all at once she said to me, in that raspy voice of hers:
What are you looking at!
I'm very sorry, ma'am. I was looking at your kimono, I told her. "I don't think I've ever seen anything like it."
This must have been the right answer-if there was a right answer-because she let out something of a laugh, though it sounded like a cough.
So you like it, do you? she said, continuing to cough, or laugh, I couldn't tell which. "Do you have any idea what it cost?"
No, ma'am.
More than you did, that's for certain.
Here the maid appeared with tea. While it was served I took the opportunity to steal a glance at Granny. Whereas Mother was a bit on the plump side, with stubby fingers and a fat neck, Granny was old and shriveled. She was at least as old as my father, but she looked as if she'd spent her years stewing herself into a state of concentrated meanness. Her gray hair made me think of a tangle of silk threads, for I could see right through them to her scalp. And even her scalp looked mean, because of patches where the skin was colored red or brown from old age. She wasn't frowning exactly, but her mouth made the shape of a frown in its natural state anyway.
She took in a great big breath in preparation to speak; and then as she let it out again she mumbled, "Didn't I say I don't want any tea?" After this, she sighed and shook her head, and then said to me, "How old are you, little girl?"
She's the year of the monkey, Auntie answered for me.
That fool cook is a monkey, Granny said.
Nine years old, said Mother. "What do you think of her, Auntie?"
Auntie stepped around in front of me and tipped my head back to look at my face. "She has a good deal of water."
Lovely eyes, said Mother. "Did you see them, Granny?"
She looks like a fool to me, Granny said. "We don't need another monkey anyway."
Oh, I'm sure you're right, Auntie said. "Probably she's just as you say. But she looks to me like a very clever girl, and adaptable; you can see that from the shape of her ears."
With so much water in her personality, Mother said, "probably she'll be able to smell a fire before it has even begun. Won't that be nice, Granny? You won't have to worry any longer about our storehouse burning with all our kimono in it."
Granny, as I went on to learn, was more terrified of fire than beer is of a thirsty old man.
Anyway, she's rather pretty, don't you think? Mother added.
There are too many pretty girls in Gion, said Granny. "What we need is a smart girl, not a pretty girl. That Hatsumomo is as pretty as they come, and look at what a fool she is!"
After this Granny stood, with Auntie's help, and made her way back up the walkway. Though I must say that to watch Auntie's clumsy gait-because of her one hip jutting out farther than the other-it wasn't at all obvious which of the two women had the easier time walking. Soon I heard the sound of a door in the front entrance hall sliding open and then shut again, and Auntie came back.
Do you have lice, little girl? Mother asked me.
No, I said.
You're going to have to learn to speak more politely than that. Auntie, be kind enough to trim her hair, just to be sure.
Auntie called a servant over and asked for shears.
Well, little girl, Mother told me, "you're in Kyoto now. You'll learn to behave or get a beating. And it's Granny gives the beatings around here, so you'll be sorry. My advice to you is: work very hard, and never leave the okiya without permission. Do as you're told; don't be too much trouble; and you might begin learning the arts of a geisha two or three months from now. I didn't bring you here to be a maid. I'll throw you out, if it comes to that."
Mother puffed on her pipe and kept her eyes fixed on me. I didn't dare move until she told me to. I found myself wondering if my sister was standing before some other cruel woman, in another house somewhere in this horrible city. And I had a sudden image in my mind of my poor, sick mother propping herself on one elbow upon her futon and looking around to see where we had gone. I didn't want Mother to see me crying, but the tears pooled in my eyes before I could think of how to stop them. With my vision glazed, Mother's yellow kimono turned softer and softer, until it seemed to sparkle. Then she blew out a puff of her smoke, and it disappeared completely.
During those first few days in that strange place, I don't think I could 11 have felt worse if I'd lost my arms and legs, rather than my family V and my home. I had no doubt life would never again be the same. All I could think of was my confusion and misery; and I wondered day after day when I might see Satsu again. I was without my father, without my mother-without even the clothing I'd always worn. Yet somehow the thing that startled me most, after a week or two had passed, was that I had in fact survived. I remember one moment drying rice bowls in the kitchen, when all at once I felt so disoriented I had to stop what I was doing to stare for a long while at my hands; for I could scarcely understand that this person drying the bowls was actually me. Mother had told me I could begin my training within a few months if I worked hard and behaved myself. As I learned from Pumpkin, beginning my training meant going to a school in another section of Gion to take lessons in things like music, dance, and tea ceremony. All the girls studying to be geisha took classes at this same school. I felt sure I'd find Satsu there when I was finally permitted to go; so by the end of my first week, I'd made up my mind to be as obedient as a cow following along on a rope, in the hopes that Mother would send me to the school right away.
Most of my chores were straightforward. I stowed away the futons in the morning, cleaned the rooms, swept the dirt corridor, and so forth. Sometimes I was sent to the pharmacist to fetch ointment for the cook's scabies, or to a shop on Shijo Avenue to fetch the rice crackers Auntie was so fond of. Happily the worst jobs, such as cleaning the toilets, were the responsibility of one of the elderly maids. But even though I worked as hard as I knew how, I never seemed to make the good impression I hoped to, because my chores every day were more than I could possibly finish; and the problem was made a good deal worse by Granny.
Looking after Granny wasn't really one of my duties-not as Auntie described them to me. But when Granny summoned me I couldn't very well ignore her, for she had more seniority in the okiya than anyone else. One day, for example, I was about to carry tea upstairs to Mother when I heard Granny call out:
Where's that girl! Send her in here!
I had to put down Mother's tray and hurry into the room where Granny was eating her lunch.
Can't you see this room is too hot? she said to me, after I'd bowed to her on my knees. "You ought to have come in here and opened the window."
I'm sorry, Granny. I didn't know you were hot.
Don't I look hot?
She was eating some rice, and several grains of it were stuck to her lower lip. I thought she looked more mean than hot, but I went directly to the window and opened it. As soon as I did, a fly came in and began buzzing around Granny's food.
What's the matter with you? she said, waving at the fly with her chopsticks. "The other maids don't let in flies when they open the window!"
I apologized and told her I would fetch a swatter.
And knock the fly into my food? Oh, no, you won't! You'll stand right here while I eat and keep it away from me.
So I had to stand there while Granny ate her food, and listen to her tell me about the great Kabuki actor Ichimura Uzaemon XIV, who had taken her hand during a moon-viewing party when she was only fourteen. By the time I was finally free to leave, Mother's tea had grown so cold I couldn't even deliver it. Both the cook and Mother were angry with me.
The truth was, Granny didn't like to be alone. Even when she needed to use the toilet, she made Auntie stand just outside the door and hold her hands to help her balance in a squatting position. The odor was so overpowering, poor Auntie nearly broke her neck trying to get her head as far away from it as possible. I didn't have any jobs as bad as this one, but Granny did often call me to massage her while she cleaned her ears with a tiny silver scoop; and the task of massaging her was a good deal worse than you might think. I almost felt sick the first time she unfastened her robe and pulled it down from her shoulders, because the skin there and on her neck was bumpy and yellow like an uncooked chicken's. The problem, as I later learned, was that in her geisha days she'd used a kind of white makeup we call "China Clay," made with a base of lead. China Clay turned out to be poisonous, to begin with, which probably accounted in part for Granny's foul disposition. But also as a younger woman Granny had often gone to the hot springs north of Kyoto. This would have been fine except that the lead-based makeup was very hard to remove; traces of it combined with some sort of chemical in the water to make a dye that ruined her skin. Granny wasn't the only one afflicted by this problem. Even during the early years of World War II, you could still see old women on the streets in Gion with sagging yellow necks.
One day after I'd been in the okiya about three weeks, I went upstairs much later than usual to straighten Hatsumomo's room. I was terrified of Hatsumomo, even though I hardly saw her because of the busy life she led. I worried about what might happen if she found me alone, so I always tried to clean her room the moment she left the okiya for her dance lessons. Unfortunately, that morning Granny had kept me busy until almost noon.
Hatsumomo's room was the largest in the okiya, larger in floor space than my entire house in Yoroido. I couldn't think why it should be so much bigger than everyone else's until one of the elderly maids told me that even though Hatsumomo was the only geisha in the okiya now, in the past there'd been as many as three or four, and they'd all slept together in that one room. Hatsumomo may have lived alone, but she certainly made enough mess for four people. When I went up to her room that day, in addition to the usual magazines strewn about, and brushes left on the mats near her tiny makeup stand, I found an apple core and an empty whiskey bottle under the table. The window was open, and the wind must have knocked down the wood frame on which she'd hung her kimono from the night before-or perhaps she'd tipped it over before going to bed drunk and hadn't yet bothered to pick it up. Usually Auntie would have fetched the kimono by now, because it was her responsibility to care for the clothing in the okiya, but for some reason she hadn't. Just as I was standing the frame erect again, the door slid open all at once, and I turned to see Hatsumomo standing there.
Oh, it's you, she said. "I thought I heard a little mousie or something. I see you've been straightening my room! Are you the one who keeps rearranging all my makeup jars? Why do you insist on doing that?"
I'm very sorry, ma'am, I said. "I only move them to dust underneath."
But if you touch them, she said, "they'll start to smell like you. And then the men will say to me, 'Hatsumomo-san, why do you stink like an ignorant girl from a fishing village?' I'm sure you understand that, don't you? But let's have you repeat it back to me just to be sure. Why don't I want you to touch my makeup?"
I could hardly bring myself to say it. But at last I answered her. "Because it will start to smell like me."
That's very good! And what will the men say? "They'll say, 'Oh, Hatsumomo-san, you smell just like a girl from a fishing village.'"
Hmm . . . there's something about the way you said it that I don't like. But I suppose it will do. I can't see why you girls from fishing villages smell so bad. That ugly sister of yours was here looking for you the other day, and her stench was nearly as bad as yours.
I'd kept my eyes to the floor until then; but when I heard these words, I looked Hatsumomo right in the face to see whether or not she was telling me the truth.
You look so surprised! she said to me. "Didn't I mention that she came here? She wanted me to give you a message about where she's living. Probably she wants you to go find her, so the two of you can run away together."
Hatsumomo-san-
You want me to tell you where she is? Well, you're going to have to earn the information. When I think how, I'll tell you. Now get out. I didn't dare disobey her, but just before leaving the room I stopped, thinking perhaps I could persuade her.
Hatsumomo-san, I know you don't like me, I said. "If you would be kind enough to tell me what I want to know, I'll promise never to bother you again."
Hatsumomo looked very pleased when she heard this and came walking toward me with a luminous happiness on her face. Honestly, I've never seen a more astonishing-looking woman. Men in the street sometimes stopped and took their cigarettes from their mouths to stare at her. I thought she was going to come whisper in my ear; but after she'd stood over me smiling for a moment, she drew back her hand and slapped me.
I told you to get out of my room, didn't I? she said.
I was too stunned to know how to react. But I must have stumbled out of the room, because the next thing I knew, I was slumped on the wood floor of the hallway, holding my hand to my face. In a moment Mother's door slid open.
Hatsumomo! Mother said, and came to help me to my feet. "What have you done to Chiyo?"
She was talking about running away, Mother. I decided it would be best if I slapped her for you. I thought you were probably too busy to do it yourself.
Mother summoned a maid and asked for several slices of fresh ginger, then took me into her room and seated me at the table while she finished a telephone call. The okiya's only telephone for calling outside Gion was mounted on the wall of her room, and no one else was permitted to use it. She'd left the earpiece lying on its side on the shelf, and when she took it up again, she seemed to squeeze it so hard with her stubby fingers that I thought fluid might drip onto the mats.
Sorry, she said into the mouthpiece in her raspy voice. "Hatsumomo is slapping the maids around again."
During my first few weeks in the okiya I felt an unreasonable affection for Mother-something like what a fish might feel for the fisherman who pulls the hook from its lip. Probably this was because I saw her no more than a few minutes each day while cleaning her room. She was always to be found there, sitting at the table, usually with an account book from the bookcase open before her and the fingers of one hand flicking the ivory beads of her abacus. She may have been organized about keeping her account books, but in every other respect she was messier even than Hatsumomo. Whenever she put her pipe down onto the table with a click, flecks of ash and tobacco flew out of it, and she left them wherever they lay. She didn't like anyone to touch her futon, even to change the sheets, so the whole room smelled like dirty linen. And the paper screens over the windows were stained terribly on account of her smoking, which gave the room a gloomy cast.
While Mother went on talking on the telephone, one of the elderly maids came in with several strips of freshly cut ginger for me to hold against my face where Hatsumomo had slapped me. The com-rnotion of the door opening and closing woke Mother's little dog, Taku, who was an ill-tempered creature with a smashed face. He seemed to have only three pastimes in life-to bark, to snore, and to bite people who tried to pet him. After the maid had left again, Taku came and laid himself behind me. This was one of his little tricks; he liked to put himself where I would step on him by accident, and then bite me as soon as I did it. I was beginning to feel like a mouse caught in a sliding door, positioned there between Mother and Taku, when at last Mother hung up the telephone and came to sit at the table. She stared at me with her yellow eyes and finally said:
Now you listen to me, little girl. Perhaps you've heard Hatsu-momo lying. Just because she can get away with it doesn't mean you can. I want to know . . . why did she slap you?
She wanted me to leave her room, Mother, I said. "I'm terribly sorry."
Mother made me say it all again in a proper Kyoto accent, which I found difficult to do. When I'd finally said it well enough to satisfy her, she went on:
I don't think you understand your job here in the okiya. We all of us think of only one thing-how we can help Hatsumomo be successful as a geisha. Even Granny. She may seem like a difficult old woman to you, but really she spends her whole day thinking of ways to be helpful to Hatsumomo.
I didn't have the least idea what Mother was talking about. To tell the truth, I don't think she could have fooled a dirty rag into believing Granny was in any way helpful to anyone.
If someone as senior as Granny works hard all day to make Ha-tsumomo's job easier, think how much harder you have to work. "Yes, Mother, I'll continue working very hard." "I don't want to hear that you've upset Hatsumomo again. The other little girl manages to stay out of her way; you can do it too."
Yes, Mother . . . but before I go, may I ask? I've been wondering if anyone might know where my sister is. You see, I'd hoped to send a note to her.
Mother had a peculiar mouth, which was much too big for her face and hung open much of the time; but now she did something with it I'd never seen her do before, which was to pinch her teeth together as though she wanted me to have a good look at them. This was her way of smiling-though I didn't realize it until she began to make that coughing noise that was her laugh.
Why on earth should I tell you such a thing? she said. After this, she gave her coughing laugh a few more times, before waving her hand at me to say that I should leave the room.
When I went out, Auntie was waiting in the upstairs hall with a chore for me. She gave me a bucket and sent me up a ladder through a trapdoor onto the roof. There on wooden struts stood a tank for collecting rainwater. The rainwater ran down by gravity to flush the little second-floor toilet near Mother's room, for we had no plumbing in those days, even in the kitchen. Lately the weather had been dry, and the toilet had begun to stink. My task was to dump water into the tank so that Auntie could flush the toilet a few times to clear it out.
Those tiles in the noonday sun felt like hot skillets to me; while I emptied the bucket, I couldn't help but think of the cold water of the pond where we used to swim back in our village on the seashore. I'd been in that pond only a few weeks earlier; but it all seemed so far away from me now, there on the roof of the okiya. Auntie called up to me to pick the weeds from between the tiles before I came back down. I looked out at the hazy heat lying on the city and the hills surrounding us like prison walls. Somewhere under one of those rooftops, my sister was probably doing her chores just as I was. I thought of her when I bumped the tank by accident, and water splashed out and flowed toward the street.
About a month after I'd arrived in the okiya, Mother told me the time had come to begin my schooling. I was to accompany Pumpkin the following morning to be introduced to the teachers. Afterward, Hatsumomo would take me to someplace called the "registry office," which I'd never heard of, and then late in the afternoon I would observe her putting on her makeup and dressing in kimono. It was a tradition in the okiya for a young girl, on the day she begins her training, to observe the most senior geisha in this way.
When Pumpkin heard she would be taking me to the school the following morning, she grew very nervous.
You'll have to be ready to leave the moment you wake up, she told me. "If we're late, we may as well drown ourselves in the sewer ..."
I'd seen Pumpkin scramble out of the okiya every morning so early her eyes were still crusty; and she often seemed on the point of tears when she left. In fact, when she clopped past the kitchen window in her wooden shoes, I sometimes thought I could hear her crying. She hadn't taken to her lessons well-not well at all, as a matter of fact. She'd arrived in the okiya nearly six months before me, but she'd only begun attending the school a week or so after my arrival. Most days when she came back around noon, she hid straightaway in the maids' quarters so no one would see her upset.
The following morning I awoke even earlier than usual and dressed for the first time in the blue and white robe students wore. It was nothing more than unlined cotton decorated with a childlike design of squares; I'm sure I looked no more elegant than a guest at an inn looks wearing a robe on the way to the bath. But I'd never before worn anything nearly so glamorous on my body.
Pumpkin was waiting for me in the entryway with a worried look. I was just about to slip my feet into my shoes when Granny called me to her room.
No! Pumpkin said under her breath; and really, her face sagged like wax that had melted. "I'll be late again. Let's just go and pretend we didn't hear her!"
I'd like to have done what Pumpkin suggested; but already Granny was in her doorway, glowering at me across the formal entrance hall. As it turned out, she didn't keep me more than ten or fifteen minutes; but by then tears were welling in Pumpkin's eyes. When we finally set out, Pumpkin began at once to walk so fast I could hardly keep up with her.
That old woman is so cruel! she said. "Make sure you put your hands in a dish of salt after she makes you rub her neck."
Why should I do that?
My mother used to say to me, 'Evil spreads in the world through touch.'And I know it's true too, because my mother brushed up against a demon that passed her on the road one morning, and that's why she died. If you don't purify your hands, you'll turn into a shriveled-up old pickle, just like Granny.
Considering that Pumpkin and I were the same age and in the same peculiar position in life, I'm sure we would have talked together often, if we could have. But our chores kept us so busy we hardly had time even for meals-which Pumpkin ate before me because she was senior in the okiya. I knew that Pumpkin had come only six months before me, as I've mentioned. But I knew very little else about her. So I asked:
Pumpkin, are you from Kyoto? Your accent sounds like you are.
I was born in Sapporo. But then my mother died when I was five, and my father sent me here to live with an uncle. Last year my uncle lost his business, and here I am.
Why don't you run away to Sapporo again?
My father had a curse put on him and died last year. I can't run away. I don't have anywhere to go.
When I find my sister, I said, "you can come with us. We'll run away together."
Considering what a difficult time Pumpkin was having with her lessons, I expected she would be happy at my offer. But she didn't say anything at all. We had reached Shijo Avenue by now and crossed it in silence. This was the same avenue that had been so crowded the day Mr. Bekku had brought Satsu and me from the station. Now, so early in the morning, I could see only a single streetcar in the distance and a few bicyclists here and there. When we reached the other side, we continued up a narrow street, and then Pumpkin stopped for the first time since we'd left the okiya.
My uncle was a very nice man, she said. "Here's the last thing I heard him say before he sent me away. 'Some girls are smart and some girls are stupid,' he told me. 'You're a nice girl, but you're one of the stupid ones. You won't make it on your own in the world. I'm sending you to a place where people will tell you what to do. Do what they say, and you'll always be taken care of.' So if you want to go out on your own, Chiyo-chan, you go. But me, I've found a place to spend my life. I'll work as hard as I have to so they don't send me away. But I'd sooner throw myself off a cliff than spoil my chances to be a geisha like Ha-tsumomo."
Here Pumpkin interrupted herself. She was looking at something behind me, on the ground. "Oh, my goodness, Chiyo-chan," she said, "doesn't it make you hungry?"
I turned to find myself looking into the entryway of another okiya. On a shelf inside the door sat a miniature Shinto shrine with an offering of a sweet-rice cake. I wondered if this could be what Pumpkin had seen; but her eyes were pointed toward the ground. A few ferns and some moss lined the stone path leading to the interior door, but I could see nothing else there. And then my eye fell upon it. Outside the entryway, just at the edge of the street, lay a wooden skewer with a single bite of charcoal-roasted squid remaining. The vendors sold them from carts at night. The smell of the sweet basting sauce was a torment to me, for maids like us were fed nothing more than rice and pickles at most meals, with soup once a day, and small portions of dried fish twice a month. Even so, there was nothing about this piece of squid on the ground that I found appetizing. Two flies were walking around in circles on it just as casually as if they'd been out for a stroll in the park.
Pumpkin was a girl who looked as if she could grow fat quickly, given the chance. I'd sometimes heard her stomach making noises from hunger that sounded like an enormous door rolling open. Still, I didn't think she was really planning to eat the squid, until I saw her look up and down the street to be sure no one was coming.
Pumpkin, I said, "if you're hungry, for heaven's sake, take the sweet-rice cake from that shelf. The flies have already claimed the squid."
I'm bigger than they are, she said. "Besides, it would be sacrilege to eat the sweet-rice cake. It's an offering."
And after she said this, she bent down to pick up the skewer.
It's true that I grew up in a place where children experimented with eating anything that moved. And I'll admit I did eat a cricket once when I was four or five, but only because someone tricked me. But to see Pumpkin standing there holding that piece of squid on a stick, with grit from the street stuck to it, and the flies walking around . . . She blew on it to try to get rid of them, but they just scampered to keep their balance.
Pumpkin, you can't eat that, I said. "You might as well drag your tongue along on the paving stones!"
What's so bad about the paving stones? she said. And with this-I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself-Pumpkin got down on her knees and stuck out her tongue, and gave it a long, careful scrape along the ground. My mouth fell open from shock. When Pumpkin got to her feet again, she looked as though she herself couldn't quite believe what she'd done. But she wiped her tongue with the palm of her hand, spat a few times, and then put that piece of squid between her teeth and slid it off the skewer.
It must have been a tough piece of squid; Pumpkin chewed it the whole way up the gentle hill to the wooden gate of the school complex. I felt a knot in my stomach when I entered, because the garden seemed so grand to me. Evergreen shrubs and twisted pine trees surrounded a decorative pond full of carp. Across the narrowest part of the pond lay a stone slab. Two old women in kimono stood on it, holding lacquered umbrellas to block the early-morning sun. As for the buildings, I didn't understand what I was seeing at the moment, but I now know that only a tiny part of the compound was devoted to the school. The massive building in the back was actually the Kaburenjo Theater-where the geisha of Gion perform Dances of the Old Capital every spring.
Pumpkin hurried to the entrance of a long wood building that I thought was servants' quarters, but which turned out to be the school. The moment I stepped into the entryway, I noticed the distinctive smell of roasted tea leaves, which even now can make my stomach tighten as though I'm on my way to lessons once again. I took off my shoes to put them into the cubby nearest at hand, but Pumpkin stopped me; there was an unspoken rule about which cubby to use. Pumpkin was among the most junior of all the girls, and had to climb the other cubbies like a ladder to put her shoes at the top. Since this was my very first morning I had even less seniority; I had to use the cubby above hers.
Be very careful not to step on the other shoes when you climb, Pumpkin said to me, even though there were only a few pairs. "If you step on them and one of the girls sees you do it, you'll get a scolding so bad your ears will blister."
The interior of the school building seemed to me as old and dusty as an abandoned house. Down at the end of the long hallway stood a group of six or eight girls. I felt a jolt when I set eyes on them, because I thought one might be Satsu; but when they turned to look at us I was disappointed. They all wore the same hairstyle-the wareshinobu of a young apprentice geisha-and looked to me as if they knew much more about Gion than either Pumpkin or I would ever know.
Halfway down the hall we went into a spacious classroom in the traditional Japanese style. Along one wall hung a large board with pegs holding many tiny wooden plaques; on each plaque was written a name in fat, black strokes. My reading and writing were still poor; I'd attended school in the mornings in Yoroido, and since coming to Kyoto had spent an hour every afternoon studying with Auntie, but I could read very few of the names. Pumpkin went to the board and took, from a shallow box on the mats, a plaque bearing her own name, which she hung on the first empty hook. The board on the wall, you see, was like a sign-up sheet.
After this, we went to several other classrooms to sign up in just the same way for Pumpkin's other lessons. She was to have four classes that morning-shamisen, dance, tea ceremony, and a form of singing we call nagauta. Pumpkin was so troubled about being the last student in all of her classes that she began to wring the sash of her robe as we left the school for breakfast in the okiya. But just as we slipped into our shoes, another young girl our age came rushing across the garden with her hair in disarray. Pumpkin seemed calmer after seeing her.
We ate a bowl of soup and returned to the school as quickly as we could, so that Pumpkin could kneel in the back of the classroom to assemble her shamisen. If you've never seen a shamisen, you might find it a peculiar-looking instrument. Some people call it a Japanese guitar, but actually it's a good deal smaller than a guitar, with a thin wooden neck that has three large tuning pegs at the end. The body is just a little wooden box with cat skin stretched over the top like a drum. The entire instrument can be taken apart and put into a box or a bag, which is how it is carried about. In any case, Pumpkin assembled her shamisen and began to tune it with her tongue poking out, but I'm sorry to say that her ear was very poor, and the notes went up and down like a boat on the waves, without ever settling down where they were supposed to be. Soon the classroom was full of girls with their shamisens, spaced out as neatly as chocolates in a box. I kept an eye on the door in the hopes that Satsu would walk through it, but she didn't.
A moment later the teacher entered. She was a tiny old woman with a shrill voice. Her name was Teacher Mizumi, and this is what we called her to her face. But her surname of Mizumi sounds very close to nezumi-"mouse"; so behind her back we called her Teacher Nezumi-Teacher Mouse.
Teacher Mouse knelt on a cushion facing the class and made no effort at all to look friendly. When the students bowed to her in unison and told her good morning, she just glowered back at them without speaking a word. Finally she looked at the board on the wall and called out the name of the first student.
This first girl seemed to have a very high opinion of herself. After she'd glided to the front of the room, she bowed before the teacher and began to play. In a minute or two Teacher Mouse told the girl to stop and said all sorts of unpleasant things about her playing; then she snapped her fan shut and waved it at the girl to dismiss her. The girl thanked her, bowed again, and returned to her place, and Teacher Mouse called the name of the next student.
This went on for more than an hour, until at length Pumpkin's name was called. I could see that Pumpkin was nervous, and in fact, the moment she began to play, everything seemed to go wrong. First Teacher Mouse stopped her and took the shamisen to retune the strings herself. Then Pumpkin tried again, but all the students began looking at one another, for no one could tell what piece she was trying to play. Teacher Mouse slapped the table very loudly and told them all to face straight ahead; and then she used her folding fan to tap out the rhythm for Pumpkin to follow. This didn't help, so finally Teacher Mouse began to work instead on Pumpkin's manner of holding the plectrum. She nearly sprained every one of Pumpkin's fingers, it seemed to me, trying to make her hold it with the proper grip. At last she gave up even on this and let the plectrum fall to the mats in disgust. Pumpkin picked it up and came back to her place with tears in her eyes.
After this I learned why Pumpkin had been so worried about being the last student. Because now the girl with the disheveled hair, who'd been rushing to the school as we'd left for breakfast, came to the front of the room and bowed.
Don't waste your time trying to be courteous to me! Teacher Mouse squeaked at her. "If you hadn't slept so late this morning, you might have arrived here in time to learn something."
The girl apologized and soon began to play, but the teacher paid no attention at all. She just said, "You sleep too late in the mornings. How do you expect me to teach you, when you can't take the trouble to come to school like the other girls and sign up properly? Just go back to your place. I don't want to be bothered with you."
The class was dismissed, and Pumpkin led me to the front of the room, where we bowed to Teacher Mouse.
May I be permitted to introduce Chiyo to you, Teacher, Pumpkin said, "and ask your indulgence in instructing her, because she's a girl of very little talent."
Pumpkin wasn't trying to insult me; this was just the way people spoke back then, when they wanted to be polite. My own mother would have said it the same way.
Teacher Mouse didn't speak for a long while, but just looked me over and then said, "You're a clever girl. I can see it just from looking at you. Perhaps you can help your older sister with her lessons."
Of course she was talking about Pumpkin.
Put your name on the board as early every morning as you can, she told me. "Keep quiet in the classroom. I tolerate no talking at all! And your eyes must stay to the front. If you do these things, I'll teach you as best I can."
And with this, she dismissed us.
In the hallways between classes, I kept my eyes open for Satsu, but I didn't find her. I began to worry that perhaps I would never see her again, and grew so upset that one of the teachers, just before beginning the class, silenced everyone and said to me:
You, there! What's troubling your1
Oh, nothing, ma'am. Only I bit my lip by accident, I said. And to make good on this-for the sake of the girls around me, who were staring-I gave a sharp bite on my lip and tasted blood.
It was a relief to me that Pumpkin's other classes weren't as painful to watch as the first one had been. In the dance class, for example, the students practiced the moves in unison, with the result that no one stood out. Pumpkin wasn't by any means the worst dancer, and even had a certain awkward grace in the way she moved. The singing class later in the morning was more difficult for her since she had a poor ear; but there again, the students practiced in unison, so Pumpkin was able to hide her mistakes by moving her mouth a great deal while singing only softly.
At the end of each of her classes, she introduced me to the teacher. One of them said to me, "You live in the same okiya as Pumpkin, do you?"
Yes, ma'am, I said, "the Nitta okiya," for Nitta was the family name of Granny and Mother, as well as Auntie.
That means you live with Hatsumomo-san.
Yes, ma'am. Hatsumomo is the only geisha in our okiya at present.
I'll do my best to teach you about singing, she said, "so long as you manage to stay alive!"
After this the teacher laughed as though she'd made a great joke, and sent us on our way.
That afternoon Hatsumomo took me to the Gion Registry Office. I was expecting something very grand, but it turned out to be nothing more than several dark tatami rooms on the second floor of the school building, filled with desks and accounting books and smelling terribly of cigarettes. A clerk looked up at us through the haze of smoke and nodded us into the back room. There at a table piled with papers sat the biggest man I'd ever seen in my life. I didn't know it at the time, but he'd once been a sumo wrestler; and really, if he'd gone outside and slammed his weight into the building itself, all those desks would probably have fallen off the tatami platform onto the floor. He hadn't been a good enough sumo wrestler to take a retirement name, as some of them do; but he still liked to be called by the name he'd used in his wrestling days, which was Awajiumi. Some of the geisha shortened this playfully to Awaji, as a nickname.
As soon as we walked in, Hatsumomo turned on her charm. It was the first time I'd ever seen her do it. She said to him, "Awaji-san!" but the way she spoke, I wouldn't have been surprised if she had run out of breath in the middle, because it sounded like this: 'Awaaa-jii-saaaannnnnnnn!"
It was as if she were scolding him. He put down his pen when he heard her voice, and his two big cheeks shifted up toward his ears, which was his way of smiling.
Mmm . . . Hatsumomo-san, he said, "if you get any prettier, I don't know what I'm going to do!"
It sounded like a loud whisper when he spoke, because sumo wrestlers often ruin their voice boxes, smashing into one another's throats the way they do.
He may have been the size of a hippopotamus, but Awajiumi was a very elegant dresser. He wore a pin-striped kimono and kimono trousers. His job was to make certain that all the money passing through Gion flowed where it was supposed to; and a trickle from that river of cash flowed directly into his pocket. That isn't to say that he was stealing; it was just the way the system worked. Considering that Awajiumi had such an important job, it was to every geisha's advantage to keep him happy, which was why he had a reputation for spending as much time out of his elegant clothes as in them.
She and Awajiumi talked for a long time, and finally Hatsumomo told him she'd come to register me for lessons at the school. Awajiumi hadn't really looked at me yet, but here he turned his giant head. After a moment he got up to slide open one of the paper screens over the window for more light.
Why, I thought my eyes had fooled me, he said. "You should have told me sooner what a pretty girl you brought with you. Her eyes . . . they're the color of a mirror!"
A mirror? Hatsumomo said. "A mirror has no color, Awaji-san."
Of course it does. It's a sparkly gray. When you look at a mirror, all you see is yourself, but I know a pretty color when I find it.
Do you? Well, it isn't so pretty to me. I once saw a dead mar fished out of the river, and his tongue was just the same color as heij eyes.
Maybe you're just too pretty yourself to be able to see it elsej where, Awajiumi said, opening an account book and picking up his pen. "Anyway, let's register the girl. Now . . . Chiyo, is it? Tell me youij full name, Chiyo, and your place of birth."
The moment I heard these words, I had an image in my mind ofj Satsu staring up at Awajiumi, full of confusion and fear. She must have been in this same room at some time or other; if I had to register, surel} she'd had to register too.
Sakamoto is my last name, I said. "I was born in the town of! Yoroido. You may have heard of it, sir, because of my older sister! Satsu?"
I thought Hatsumomo would be furious with me; but to my surprise she seemed almost pleased about the question I'd asked.
If she's older than you, she'd have registered already, Awajiumi said. "But I haven't come across her. I don't think she's in Gion at all."
Now Hatsumomo's smile made sense to me; she'd known in advance what Awajiumi would say. If I'd felt any doubts whether she really had spoken to my sister as she claimed, I felt them no longer. There were other geisha districts in Kyoto, though I didn't know much about them. Satsu was somewhere in one of them, and I was determined to find her.
When I returned to the okiya, Auntie was waiting to take me to the bathhouse down the street. I'd been there before, though only with the elderly maids, who usually handed me a small towel and a scrap of soap and then squatted on the tile floor to wash themselves while I did the same. Auntie was much kinder, and knelt over me to scrub my back. I was surprised that she had no modesty whatever, and slung her tube-shaped breasts around as if they were nothing more than bottles. She even whacked me on the shoulder with one several times by accident.
Afterward she took me back to the okiya and dressed me in the first silk kimono I'd ever worn, a brilliant blue with green grasses all around the hem and bright yellow flowers across the sleeves and chest. Then she led me up the stairs to Hatsumomo's room. Before going in, she gave me a stern warning not to distract Hatsumomo in any way, or do anything that might make her angry. I didn't understand it at the time, but now I know perfectly well why she was so concerned. Because, you see, when a geisha wakes up in the morning she is just like any other woman. Her face may be greasy from sleep, and her breath unpleasant. It may be true that she wears a startling hairstyle even as she struggles to open her eyes; but in every other respect she's a woman like any other, and not a geisha at all. Only when she sits before her mirror to apply her makeup with care does she become a geisha. And I don't mean that this is when she begins to look like one. This is when she begins to think like one too.
In the room, I was instructed to sit about an arm's length to the side of Hatsumomo and just behind her, where I could see her face in the tiny dressing mirror on her makeup stand. She was kneeling on a cushion, wearing a cotton robe that clung to her shoulders, and gathering in her hands a half dozen makeup brushes in various shapes. Some of them were broad like fans, while others looked like a chopstick with a dot of soft hair at the end. Finally she turned and showed them to me.
These are my brushes, she said. "And do you remember this?" She took from the drawer of her makeup stand a glass container of stark white makeup and waved it around in the air for me to see. "This is the makeup I told you never to touch."
I haven't touched it, I said.
She sniffed the closed jar several times and said, "No, I don't think you have." Then she put the makeup down and took up three pigment sticks, which she held out for me in the palm of her hand.
These are for shading. You may look at them.
I took one of the pigment sticks from her. It was about the size of a baby's finger, but hard and smooth as stone, so that it left no trace of color on my skin. One end was wrapped in delicate silver foil that was flecking away from the pressure of use.
Hatsumomo took the pigment sticks back and held out what looked to me like a twig of wood burned at one end.
This is a nice dry piece of paulownia wood, she said, "for drawing my eyebrows. And this is wax." She took two half-used bars of wax from their paper wrapping and held them out for me to see.
Now why do you suppose I've shown you these things?
So I'll understand how you put on your makeup, I said.
Heavens, no! I've shown them to you so you'll see there isn't any magic involved. What a pity for you! Because it means that makeup alone won't be enough to change poor Chiyo into something beautiful.
Hatsumomo turned back to face the mirror and sang quietly to herself as she opened a jar of pale yellow cream. You may not believe me when I tell you that this cream was made from nightingale droppings, but it's true. Many geisha used it as a face cream in those days, because it was believed to be very good for the skin; but it was so expensive that Hatsumomo put only a few dots around her eyes and mouth. Then she tore a small piece of wax from one of the bars and, after softening it in her fingertips, rubbed it into the skin of her face, and afterward of her neck and chest. She took some time to wipe her hands clean on a rag, and then moistened one of her flat makeup brushes in a dish of water and rubbed it in the makeup until she had a chalky white paste. She used this to paint her face and neck, but left her eyes bare, as well as the area around her lips and nose. If you've ever seen a child cut holes in paper to make a mask, this was how Hatsumomo looked, until she dampened some smaller brushes and used them to fill in the cutouts. After this she looked as if she'd fallen face-first into a bin of rice flour, for her whole face was ghastly white. Shelooked like the demon she was, but even so, I was sick with jealousy and shame. Because I knew that in an hour or so, men would be gazing with astonishment at that face; and I would still be there in the okiya, looking sweaty and plain.
Now she moistened her pigment sticks and used them to rub a reddish blush onto her cheeks. Already during my first month in the okiya, I'd seen Hatsumomo in her finished makeup many times; I stole looks at her whenever I could without seeming rude. I'd noticed she used a variety of tints for her cheeks, depending on the colors of her kimono. There was nothing unusual in this; but what I didn't know until years later was that Hatsumomo always chose a shade much redder than others might have used. I can't say why she did it, unless it was to make people think of blood. But Hatsumomo was no fool; she knew how to bring out the beauty in her features.
When she'd finished applying blush, she still had no eyebrows or lips. But for the moment she left her face like a bizarre white mask and asked Auntie to paint the back of her neck. I must tell you something about necks in Japan, if you don't know it; namely, that Japanese men, as a rule, feel about a woman's neck and throat the same way that men in the West might feel about a woman's legs. This is why geisha wear the collars of their kimono so low in the back that the first few bumps of the spine are visible; I suppose it's like a woman in Paris wearing a short skirt. Auntie painted onto the back of Hatsumomo's neck a design called sanbon-ashi-"three legs." It makes a very dramatic picture, for you feel as if you're looking at the bare skin of the neck through little tapering points of a white fence. It was years before I understood the erotic effect it has on men; but in a way, it's like a woman peering out from between her fingers. In fact, a geisha leaves a tiny margin of skin bare all around the hairline, causing her makeup to look even more artificial, something like a mask worn in Noh drama. When a man sits beside her and sees her makeup like a mask, he becomes that much more aware of the bare skin beneath.
While Hatsumomo was rinsing out her brushes, she glanced several times at my reflection in the mirror. Finally she said to me:
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking you'll never be so beautiful. Well, it's perfectly true.
I'll have you know, said Auntie, "that some people find Chiyo-chan quite a lovely girl."
Some people like the smell of rotting fish, said Hatsumomo. And with that, she ordered us to leave the room so she could change into her underrobe.
Auntie and I stepped out onto the landing, where Mr. Bekku stood waiting near the full-length mirror, looking just as he had on the day he'd taken Satsu and me from our home. As I'd learned during my first week in the okiya, his real occupation wasn't dragging girls from their homes at all; he was a dresser, which is to say that he came to the okiya every day to help Hatsumomo put on her elaborate kimono.
The robe Hatsumomo would wear that evening was hanging on a stand near the mirror. Auntie stood smoothing it until Hatsumomo came out wearing an underrobe in a lovely rust color, with a pattern of deep yellow leaves. What happened next made very little sense to me at the time, because the complicated costume of kimono is confusing to people who aren't accustomed to it. But the way it's worn makes perfect sense if it's explained properly.
To begin with, you must understand that a housewife and a geisha wear kimono very differently. When a housewife dresses in kimono, she uses all sorts of padding to keep the robe from bunching unattractively at the waist, with the result that she ends up looking perfectly cylindrical, like a wood column in a temple hall. But a geisha wears kimono so frequently she hardly needs any padding, and bunching never seems to be a problem. Both a housewife and a geisha will begin by taking off their makeup robes and tucking a silk slip around the bare hips; we call this a koshimaki-"hip wrap." It's followed by a short-sleeved kimono undershirt, tied shut at the waist, and then the pads, which look like small contoured pillows with strings affixed for tying them into place. In Hatsumomo's case, with her traditional small-hipped, willowy figure, and her experience of wearing kimono for so many years, she didn't use padding at all.
So far, everything the woman has put on will be hidden from the eye when she is fully dressed. But the next item, the underrobe, isn't really an undergarment at all. When a geisha performs a dance, or sometimes even when she walks along the street, she might raise the hem of her kimono in her left hand to keep it out of the way. This has the effect of exposing the underrobe below the knees; so, you see, the pattern and fabric of the underrobe must be coordinated with the kimono. And, in fact, the underrobe's collar shows as well, just like the collar of a man's shirt when he wears a business suit. Part of Auntie's job in the okiya was to sew a silk collar each day onto the underrobe Hatsumomo planned to wear, and then remove it the next morning for cleaning. An apprentice geisha wears a red collar, but of course Hatsumomo wasn't an apprentice; her collar was white.
When Hatsumomo came out of her room, she was wearing all the items I've described-though we could see nothing but her underrobe, held shut with a cord around her waist. Also, she wore white socks we call tabi, which button along the side with a snug fit. At this point she was ready for Mr. Bekku to dress her. To see him at work, you'd have understood at once just why his help was necessary. Kimono are the same length no matter who wears them, so except for the very tallest women, the extra fabric must be folded beneath the sash. When Mr. Bekku doubled the kimono fabric at the waist and tied a cord to hold it in place, there was never the slightest buckle. Or if one did appear, he gave a tug here or there, and the whole thing straightened out. When he finished his work, the robe always fit the contours of the body beautifully.
Mr. Bekku's principal job as dresser was to tie the obi, which isn't as simple a job as it might sound. An obi like the one Hatsumomo wore is twice as long as a man is tall, and nearly as wide as a woman's shoulders. Wrapped around the waist, it covers the area from the breastbone all the way to below the navel. Most people who know nothing of kimono seem to think the obi is simply tied in the back as if it were a string; but nothing could be further from the truth. A half dozen cords and clasps are needed to keep it in place, and a certain amount of padding must be used as well to shape the knot. Mr. Bekku took several minutes to tie Hatsumomo's obi. When he was done, hardly a wrinkle could be seen anywhere in the fabric, thick and heavy as it was.
I understood very little of what I saw on the landing that day; but it seemed to me that Mr. Bekku tied strings and tucked fabric at a frantic rate, while Hatsumomo did nothing more than hold her arms out and gaze at her image in the mirror. I felt miserable with envy, watching her. Her kimono was a brocade in shades of brown and gold. Below the waist, deer in their rich brown coloring of autumn nuzzled one another, with golds and rusts behind them in a pattern like fallen leaves on a forest floor. Her obi was plum-colored, interwoven with silver threads. I didn't know it at the time, but the outfit she wore probably cost as much as a policeman or a shopkeeper might make in an entire year. And yet to look at Hatsumomo standing there, when she turned around to glance back at herself in the free-standing mirror, you would nave thought that no amount of money on earth could have made a woman look as glamorous as she did.
All that remained were the final touches on her makeup and the ornaments in her hair. Auntie and I followed Hatsumomo back into her room, where she knelt at her dressing table and took out a tiny lacquer box containing rouge for her lips. She used a small brush to paint it on. Thefashion at that time was to leave the upper lip unpainted, which made the lower lip look fuller. White makeup causes all sorts of curious illusions; if a geisha were to paint the entire surface of her lips, her mouth would end up looking like two big slices of tuna. So most geisha prefer a poutier shape, more like the bloom of a violet. Unless a geisha has lips of this shape to begin with-and very few do-she nearly always paints on a more circle-shaped mouth than she actually has. But as I've said, the fashion in those days was to paint only the lower lip, and this is what Hatsumomo did.
Now Hatsumomo took the twig of paulownia wood she'd shown me earlier and lit it with a match. After it had burned for a few seconds she blew it out, cooled it with her fingertips, and then went back to the mirror to draw in her eyebrows with the charcoal. It made a lovely shade of soft gray. Next she went to a closet and selected a few ornaments for her hair, including one of tortoiseshell, and an unusual cluster of pearls at the end of a long pin. When she'd slipped them into her hair, she applied a bit of perfume to the bare flesh on the back of her neck, and tucked the flat wooden vial into her obi afterward in case she should need it again. She also put a folding fan into her obi and placed a kerchief in her right sleeve. And with this she turned to look down at me. She wore the same faint smile she had worn earlier, and even Auntie had to sigh, from how extraordinary Hatsumomo looked.
I hatever any of us may have thought about Hatsumomo, she was like an empress in our okiya since she earned the income by which we all lived. And being an empress she would have been very displeased, upon returning late at night, to find her palace dark and all the servants asleep. That is to say, when she came home too drunk to unbutton her socks, someone had to unbutton them for her; and if she felt hungry, she certainly wasn't going to stroll into the kitchen to prepare something by herself-such as an umeboshi ochazuke, which was a favorite snack of hers, made with leftover rice and pickled sour plums, soaked in hot tea. Actually, our okiya wasn't at all unusual in this respect. The job of waiting up to bow and welcome the geisha home almost always fell to the most junior of the "cocoons"-as the young geisha-in-training were often called. And from the moment I began taking lessons at the school, the most junior cocoon in our okiya was me. Long before midnight, Pumpkin and the two elderly maids were sound asleep on their futons only a meter or so away on the wood floor of the entrance hall; but I had to go on kneeling there, struggling to stay awake until sometimes as late as two o'clock in the morning. Granny's room was nearby, and she slept with her light on and her door opened a crack. The bar of light that fell across my empty futon made me think of a day, not long before Satsu and I were taken away from our village, when I'd peered into the back room of our house to see my mother asleep there. My father had draped fishing nets across the paper screens to darken the room, but it looked so gloomy I decided to open one of the windows; and when I did, a strip of bright sunlight fell across my mother's futon and showed her hand so pale and bony. To see the yellow light streaming from Granny's room onto my futon ... I had to wonder if my mother was still alive. We were so much alike, I felt sure I would have known if she'd died; but of course, I'd had no sign one way or the other.
One night as the fall was growing cooler, I had just dozed off leaning against a post when I heard the outside door roll open. Hatsumomo would be very angry if she found me sleeping, so I tried my best to look alert. But when the interior door opened, I was surprised to see a man, wearing a traditional, loose-fitting workman's jacket tied shut at the hip and a pair of peasant trousers-though he didn't look at all like a workman or a peasant. His hair was oiled back in a very modern manner, and he wore a closely trimmed beard that gave him the air of an intellectual. He leaned down and took my head in his hands to look me square in the face.
Why, you're a pretty one, he said to me in a low voice. "What's your name?"
I felt certain he must be a workman, though I couldn't think why he'd come so late at night. I was frightened of answering him, but I managed to say my name, and then he moistened a fingertip with his tongue and touched me on the cheek-to take off an eyelash, as it turned out.
Yoko is still here? he asked. Yoko was a young woman who spent every day from midafternoon until late evening sitting in our maids' room. Back in those days the okiya and teahouses in Gion were all linked by a private telephone system, and Yoko was kept busier than almost anyone in our okiya, answering that telephone to book Hatsu-momo's engagements, sometimes for banquets or parties six months to a year in advance. Usually Hatsumomo's schedule didn't fill up completely until the morning before, and calls continued through the evening from teahouses whose customers wanted her to drop in if she had time. But the telephone hadn't been ringing much tonight, and I thought probably Yoko had fallen asleep just as I had. The man didn't wait for me to answer, but gestured for me to keep quiet, and showed himself down the dirt corridor to the maids' room.
The next thing I heard was Yoko apologizing-for she had indeed fallen asleep-and then she carried on a long conversation with the switchboard operator. She had to be connected with several teahouses before she at last located Hatsumomo and left a message that the Kabuki actor Onoe Shikan had come to town. I didn't know it at the time, but there was no Onoe Shikan; this was just a code.
After this, Yoko left for the night. She didn't seem worried that a man was waiting in the maids' room, so I made up my mind to say nothing to anyone. This turned out to be a good thing, because when Hatsumomo appeared twenty minutes later, she stopped in the entrance hall to say to me:
I haven't tried to make your life really miserable yet. But if you ever mention that a man came here, or even that I stopped in before the end of the evening, that will change.
She was standing over me as she said this, and when she reached into her sleeve for something, I could see even in the dim light that her forearms were flushed. She went into the maids' room and rolled the door shut behind her. I heard a short muffled conversation, and then the okiya was silent. Occasionally I thought I heard a soft whimper or a groan, but the sounds were so quiet, I couldn't be sure. I won't say I knew just what they were doing in there, but I did think of my sister holding up her bathing dress for the Sugi boy. And I felt such a combination of disgust and curiosity that even if I'd been free to leave my spot, I don't think I could have.
Once a week or so, Hatsumomo and her boyfriend-who turned out to be a chef in a nearby noodle restaurant-came to the okiya and shut themselves in the maids'room. They met other times in other places as well. I know because Yoko was often asked to deliver messages, and I sometimes overheard. All the maids knew what Hatsumomo was doing; and it's a measure of how much power she had over us that no one spoke a word to Mother or Auntie or Granny. Hatsumomo would certainly have been in trouble for having a boyfriend, much less for bringing him back to the okiya. The time she spent with him earned no revenue, and even took her away from parties at teahouses where she would otherwise have been making money. And besides, any wealthy man who might have been interested in an expensive, long-term relationship would certainly think less of her and even change his mind if he knew she was carrying on with the chef of a noodle restaurant.
One night just as I was coming back from taking a drink of water at the well in the courtyard, I heard the outside door roll open and slam against the door frame with a bang.
Really, Hatsumomo-san, said a deep voice, "you'll wake everyone
I'd never really understood why Hatsumomo took the risk of bringing her boyfriend back to the okiya-though probably it was the risk itself that excited her. But she'd never before been so careless as to make a lot of noise. I hurried into my position on my knees, and in a moment Hatsumomo was in the formal entrance hall, holding two packages wrapped in linen paper. Soon another geisha stepped in behind her, so tall that she had to stoop to pass through the low doorway. When she stood erect and looked down on me, her lips looked unnaturally big and heavy at the bottom of her long face. No one would have called her pretty.
This is our foolish lower maid, said Hatsumomo. "She has a name, I think, but why don't you just call her 'Little Miss Stupid.'"
Well, Little Miss Stupid, said the other geisha. "Go and get your big sister and me something to drink, why don't you?" The deep voice I'd heard was hers, and not the voice of Hatsumomo's boyfriend after all.
Usually Hatsumomo liked to drink a special kind of sake called amakuchi-which was very light and sweet. But amakuchi was brewed only in the winter, and we seemed to have run out. I poured two glasses of beer instead and brought them out. Hatsumomo and her friend had already made their way down to the courtyard, and were standing in wooden shoes in the dirt corridor. I could see they were very drunk, and Hatsumomo's friend had feet much too big for our little wooden shoes, so that she could hardly walk a step without the two of them breaking out in laughter. You may recall that a wooden walkway ran along the outside of the house. Hatsumomo had just set her packages down onto that walkway and was about to open one of them when I delivered the beer.
I'm not in the mood for beer, she said, and bent down to empty both glasses underneath the foundation of the house.
I'm in the mood for it, said her friend, but it was already too late. "Why did you pour mine out?"
Oh, be quiet, Korin! Hatsumomo said. "You don't need more to drink anyway. Just look at this, because you're going to die from happiness when you see it!" And here, Hatsumomo untied the strings holding shut the linen paper of one package, and spread out upon the walkway an exquisite kimono in different powdery shades of green, with a vine motif bearing red leaves. Really, it was a glorious silk gauze-though of summer weight, and certainly not appropriate for the fall weather. Hatsumomo's friend, Korin, admired it so much that she drew in a sharp breath and choked on her own saliva-which caused them both to burst out laughing again. I decided the time had come to excuse myself. But Hatsumomo said:
Don't go away, Little Miss Stupid. And then she turned to her friend again and told her, "It's time for some fun, Korin-san. Guess whose kimono this is!"
Korin was still coughing a good deal, but when she wras able to speak, she said, "I wish it belonged to me!"
Well, it doesn't. It belongs to none other than the geisha we both hate worse than anyone else on earth.
Oh, Hatsumomo . . . you're a genius. But how did you get Satoka's kimono?
I'm not talking about Satoka! I'm talking about. . . Miss Perfect!
Who?
Miss Tm-So-Much-Better-Than-You-Are' . . . that's who!
There was a long pause, and then Korin said, "Mameha! Oh, my goodness, it is Mameha's kimono. I can't believe I didn't recognize it! How did you manage to get your hands on it?"
A few days ago I left something at the Kaburenjo Theater during a rehearsal, Hatsumomo said. "And when I went back to look for it, I heard what I thought was moaning coming up from the basement stairs. So I thought, 'It can't be! This is too much fun!' And when I crept down and turned on the light, guess who I found lying there like two pieces of rice stuck together on the floor?"
I can't believe it! Mameha?
Don't be a fool. She's much too prissy to do such a thing. It was her maid, with the custodian of the theater. I knew she'd do anything to keep me from telling, so I went to her later and told her I wanted this kimono of Mameha's. She started crying when she figured out which one I was describing.
And what's this other one? Korin asked, pointing to the second package that lay on the walkway, its strings still tied.
This one I made the girl buy with her own money, and now it belongs to me.
Her own money? said Korin. "What maid has enough money to buy a kimono?"
Well, if she didn't buy it as she said, I don't want to know where it came from. Anyway, Little Miss Stupid is going to put it away in the storehouse for me.
Hatsumomo-san, I'm not allowed in the storehouse, I said at once.
If you want to know where your older sister is, don't make me say anything twice tonight. I have plans for you. Afterward you may ask me a single question, and I'll answer it.
I won't say that I believed her; but of course, Hatsumomo had the power to make my life miserable in any way she wanted. I had no choice but to obey.
She put the kimono-wrapped in its linen paper-into my arms and walked me down to the storehouse in the courtyard. There she opened the door and flipped a light switch with a loud snap. I could see shelves stacked with sheets and pillows, as well as several locked chests and a few folded futons. Hatsumomo grabbed me by the arm and pointed up a ladder along the outside wall.
The kimono are up there, she said.
I made my way up and opened a sliding wooden door at the top. The storage loft didn't have shelves like the ground-floor level. Instead the walls were lined with red lacquered cases stacked one on top of the next, nearly as high as the ceiling. A narrow corridor passed between these two walls of cases, with slatted windows at the ends, covered over with screens for ventilation. The space was lit harshly just as below, but much more brightly; so that when I had stepped inside, I could read the black characters carved into the fronts of the cases. They said things like Kata-Komon, ~Ro-"Stenciled Designs, Open-Weave Silk Gauze"; and Kuromontsuki, Awase-"Black-Crested Formal Robes with Inner Lining." To tell the truth, I couldn't understand all the characters at the time, but I did manage to find the case with Ha-tsumomo's name on it, on a top shelf. I had trouble taking it down, but finally I added the new kimono to the few others, also wrapped in linen paper, and replaced the case where I'd found it. Out of curiosity, I opened another of the cases very quickly and found it stacked to the top with perhaps fifteen kimono, and the others whose lids I lifted were all the same. To see that storehouse crowded with cases, I understood at once why Granny was so terrified of fire. The collection of kimono was probably twice as valuable as the entire villages of Yoroido and Senzuru put together. And as I learned much later, the most expensive ones were in storage somewhere else. They were worn only by apprentice geisha; and since Hatsumomo could no longer wear them, they were kept in a rented vault for safekeeping until they were needed again.
By the time I returned to the courtyard, Hatsumomo had been up to her room to fetch an inkstone and a stick of ink, as well as a brush for calligraphy. I thought perhaps she wanted to write a note and slip it inside the kimono when she refolded it. She had dribbled some water from the well onto her inkstone and was now sitting on the walkway grinding ink. When it was good and black, she dipped a brush in it and smoothed its tip against the stone-so that all the ink was absorbed in the brush and none of it would drip. Then she put it into my hand, and held my hand over the lovely kimono, and said to me: "Practice your calligraphy, little Chiyo."
This kimono belonging to the geisha named Mameha-whom I'd never heard of at the time-was a work of art. Weaving its way from the hem up to the waist was a beautiful vine made of heavily lacquered threads bunched together like a tiny cable and sewn into place. It was a part of the fabric, yet it seemed so much like an actual vine growing there, I had the feeling I could take it in my fingers, if I wished, and tear it away like a weed from the soil. The leaves curling from it seemed to be fading and drying in the autumn weather, and even taking on tints of yellow.
I can't do it, Hatsumomo-san! I cried.
What a shame, little sweetheart, her friend said to me. "Because if you make Hatsumomo tell you again, you'll lose the chance to find your sister."
Oh, shut up, Korin. Chiyo knows she has to do what I tell her. Write something on the fabric, Miss Stupid. I don't care what it is.
When the brush first touched the kimono, Korin was so excited she let out a squeal that woke one of the elderly maids, who leaned out into the corridor with a cloth around her head and her sleeping robe sagging all around her. Hatsumomo stamped her foot and made a sort of lunging motion, like a cat, which was enough to make the maid go back to her futon. Korin wasn't happy with the few uncertain strokes I'd made on the powdery green silk, so Hatsumomo instructed me where to mark the fabric and what sorts of marks to make. There wasn't any meaning to them; Hatsumomo was just trying in her own way to be artistic. Afterward she refolded the kimono in its wrapping of linen and tied the strings shut again. She and Korin went back to the front entryway to put their lacquered zori back on their feet. When they rolled open the door to the street, Hatsumomo told me to follow. "Hatsumomo-san, if I leave the okiya without permission, Mother will be very angry, and-"
I'm giving you permission, Hatsumomo interrupted. "We have to return the kimono, don't we? I hope you're not planning to keep me waiting."
So I could do nothing but step into my shoes and follow her up the alleyway to a street running beside the narrow Shiralcawa Stream. Back in those days, the streets and alleys in Gion were still paved beautifully with stone. We walked along in the moonlight for a block or so, beside the weeping cherry trees that drooped down over the black water, and finally across a wooden bridge arching over into a section of Gion I'd never seen before. The embankment of the stream was stone, most of it covered with patches of moss. Along its top, the backs of the teahouses and okiya connected to form a wall. Reed screens over the windows sliced the yellow light into tiny strips that made me think of what the cook had done to a pickled radish earlier that day. I could hear the laughter of a group of men and geisha. Something very funny must have been happening in one of the teahouses, because each wave of laughter was louder than the one before, until they finally died away and left only the twanging of a shamisen from another party. For the moment, I could imagine that Gion was probably a cheerful place for some people. I couldn't help wondering if Satsu might be at one of those parties, even though Awajiumi, at the Gion Registry Office, had told me she wasn't in Gion at all.
Shortly, Hatsumomo and Korin came to a stop before a wooden door.
You're going to take this kimono up the stairs and give it to the maid there, Hatsumomo said to me. "Or if Miss Perfect herself answers the door, you may give it to her. Don't say anything; just hand it over. We'll be down here watching you."
With this, she put the wrapped kimono into my arms, and Korin rolled open the door. Polished wooden steps led up into the darkness. I was trembling with fear so much, I could go no farther than halfway up them before I came to a stop. Then I heard Korin say into the stairwell in a loud whisper:
Go on, little girl! No one's going to eat you unless you come back down with the kimono still in your hands-and then we just might. Right, Hatsumomo-san?
Hatsumomo let -out a sigh at this, but said nothing. Korin was squinting up into the darkness, trying to see me; but Hatsumomo, who stood not much higher than Korin's shoulder, was chewing on one of her fingernails and paying no attention at all. Even then, amid all my fears, I couldn't help noticing how extraordinary Hatsumomo's beauty was. She may have been as cruel as a spider, but she was more lovely chewing on her fingernail than most geisha looked posing for a photograph. And the contrast with her friend Korin was like comparing a rock along the roadside with a jewel. Korin looked uncomfortable in her formal hairstyle with all its lovely ornaments, and her kimono seemed to be always in her way. Whereas Hatsumomo wore her kimono as if it were her skin.
On the landing at the top of the stairs, I knelt in the black darkness and called out:
Excuse me, please!
I waited, but nothing happened. "Louder," said Korin. "They aren't expecting you."
So I called again, "Excuse me!"
Just a moment! I heard a muffled voice say; and soon the door rolled open. The girl kneeling on the other side was no older than Satsu, but thin and nervous as a bird. I handed her the kimono in its wrapping of linen paper. She was very surprised, and took it from me almost desperately.
Who's there, Asami-san? called a voice from inside the apartment. I could see a single paper lantern on an antique stand burning beside a freshly made futon. The futon was for the geisha Mameha; I could tell because of the crisp sheets and the elegant silk cover, as well as the takamakura-"tall pillow"-just like the kind Hatsumomo used. It wasn't really a pillow at all, but a wooden stand with a padded cradle for the neck; this was the only way a geisha could sleep without ruining her elaborate hairstyle.
The maid didn't answer, but opened the wrapping around the kimono as quietly as she could, and tipped it this way and that to catch the reflection of the light. When she caught sight of the ink marring it, she gasped and covered her mouth. Tears spilled out almost instantly onto her cheeks, and then a voice called:
Asami-san! Who's there?
Oh, no one, miss! cried the maid. I felt terribly sorry for her as she dried her eyes quickly against one sleeve. While she was reaching up to slide the door closed, I caught a glimpse of her mistress. I could see at once why Hatsumomo called Mameha "Miss Perfect." Her face was a perfect oval, just like a doll's, and as smooth and delicate-looking as a piece of china, even without her makeup. She walked toward the doorway, trying to peer into the stairwell, but I saw no more of her before the maid quickly rolled the door shut.
The next morning after lessons, I came back to the okiya to find that Mother, Granny, and Auntie were closed up together in the formal reception room on the first floor. I felt certain they were talking about the kimono; and sure enough, the moment Hatsumomo came in from the street, one of the maids went to tell Mother, who stepped out into the entrance hall and stopped Hatsumomo on her way up the stairs.
We had a little visit from Mameha and her maid this morning, she said.
Oh, Mother, I know just what you're going to say. I feel terrible about the kimono. I tried to stop Chiyo before she put ink on it, but it was too late. She must have thought it was mine! I don't know why she's hated me so from the moment she came here ... To think she would ruin such a lovely kimono just in the hopes of hurting me!
By now, Auntie had limped out into the hall. She cried, "Matte mashita!" I understood her words perfectly well; they meant "We've waited for you!" But I had no idea what she meant by them. Actually, it was quite a clever thing to say, because this is what the audience sometimes shouts when a great star makes his entrance in a Kabuki play.
Auntie, are you suggesting that I had something to do with ruining that kimono? Hatsumomo said. "Why would I do such a thing?"
Everyone knows how you hate Mameha, Auntie told her. "You hate anyone more successful than you."
Does that suggest I ought to be extremely fond of you, Auntie, since you're such a failure?
There'll be none of that, said Mother. "Now you listen to me, Hatsumomo. You don't really think anyone is empty-headed enough to believe your little story. I won't have this sort of behavior in the okiya, even from you. I have great respect for Mameha. I don't want to hear of anything like this happening again. As for the kimono, someone has to pay for it. I don't know what happened last night, but there's no dispute about who was holding the brush. The maid saw the girl doing it. The girl will pay," said Mother, and put her pipe back into her mouth.
Now Granny came out from the reception room and called a maid to fetch the bamboo pole.
Chiyo has enough debts, said Auntie. "I don't see why she should pay Hatsumomo's as well."
We've talked about this enough, Granny said. "The girl should be beaten and made to repay the cost of the kimono, and that's that. Where's the bamboo pole?"
I'll beat her myself, Auntie said. "I won't have your joints flaring up again, Granny. Come along, Chiyo."
Auntie waited until the maid brought the pole and then led me down to the courtyard. She was so angry her nostrils were bigger than usual, and her eyes were bunched up like fists. I'd been careful since coming to the okiya not to do anything that would lead to a beating. I felt hot suddenly, and the stepping-stones at my feet grew blurry. But instead of beating me, Auntie leaned the pole against the storehouse and then limped over to say quietly to me:
What have you done to Hatsumomo? She's bent on destroying you. There must be a reason, and I want to know what it is.
I promise you, Auntie, she's treated me this way since I arrived. I don't know what I ever did to her.
Granny may call Hatsumomo a fool, but believe me, Hatsumomo is no fool. If she wants to ruin your career badly enough, she'll do it. Whatever you've done to make her angry, you must stop doing it.
I haven't done anything, Auntie, I promise you.
You must never trust her, not even if she tries to help you. Already she's burdened you with so much debt you may never work it off.
I don't understand ... I said, "about debt'?"
Hatsumomo's little trick with that kimono is going to cost you more money than you've ever imagined in your life. That's what I mean about debt.
But. . . how will I pay?
When you begin working as a geisha, you'll pay the okiya back for it, along with everything else you'll owe-your meals and lessons; if you get sick, your doctor's fees. You pay all of that yourself. Why do you think Mother spends all her time in her room, writing numbers in those little books? You owe the okiya even for the money it cost to acquire you.
Throughout my months in Gion, I'd certainly imagined that money must have changed hands before Satsu and I were taken from our home. I often thought of the conversation I'd overheard between Mr. Tanaka and my father, and of what Mrs. Fidget had said about Satsu and me being "suitable." I'd wondered with horror whether Mr. Tanaka had made money by helping to sell us, and how much we had cost. But I'd never imagined that I myself would have to repay it.
You won't pay it back until you've been a geisha a good long time, she went on. "And you'll never pay it back if you end up a failed geisha like me. Is that the way you want to spend your future?"
At the moment I didn't much care how I spent my future.
If you want to ruin your life in Gion, there are a dozen ways to do it, Auntie said. "You can try to run away. Once you've done that, Mother will see you as a bad investment; she's not going to put more money into someone who might disappear at any time. That would mean the end of your lessons, and you can't be a geisha without training. Or you can make yourself unpopular with your teachers, so they won't give you the help you need. Or you can grow up to be an ugly woman like me. I wasn't such an unattractive girl when Granny bought me from my parents, but I didn't turn out well, and Granny's always
hated me for it. One time she beat me so badly for something I did that she broke one of my hips. That's when I stopped being a geisha. And that's the reason I'm going to do the job of beating you myself, rather than letting Granny get her hands on you."
She led me to the walkway and made me lie down on my stomach there. I didn't much care whether she beat me or not; it seemed to me that nothing could make my situation worse. Every time my body jolted under the pole, I wailed as loudly as I dared, and pictured Ha-tsumomo's lovely face smiling down at me. When the beating was over, Auntie left me crying there. Soon I felt the walkway tremble under someone's footsteps and sat up to find Hatsumomo standing above me.
Chiyo, I would be ever so grateful if you'd get out of my way.
You promised to tell me where I could find my sister, Hatsumomo, I said to her.
So I did! She leaned down so that her face was near mine. I thought she was going to tell me I hadn't done enough yet, that when she thought of more for me to do, she would tell me. But this wasn't at all what happened.
Your sister is in ajorou-ya called Tatsuyo, she told me, "in the district of Miyagawa-cho, just south of Gion."
When she was done speaking, she gave me a little shove with her foot, and I stepped down out of her way.
Id never heard the word jorou-ya before; so the very next evening, when Auntie dropped a sewing tray onto the floor of the entrance I hall and asked my help in cleaning it up, I said to her:
Auntie, what is a jorou-ya?
Auntie didn't answer, but just went on reeling up a spool of thread.
Auntie? I said again.
It's the sort of place Hatsumomo will end up, if she ever gets what she deserves, she said.
She didn't seem inclined to say more, so I had no choice but to leave it at that.
My question certainly wasn't answered; but I did form the impression that Satsu might be suffering even more than I was. So I began thinking about how I might sneak to this place called Tatsuyo the very next time I had an opportunity. Unfortunately, part of my punishment for ruining Mameha's kimono was confinement in the okiya for fifty days. I was permitted to attend the school as long as Pumpkin accompanied me; but I was no longer permitted to run errands. I suppose I could have dashed out the door at any time, if I'd wanted to, but I knew better than to do something so foolish. To begin with, I wasn't sure how to find the Tatsuyo. And what was worse, the moment I was discovered missing, Mr. Bekku or someone would be sent to look for me. A young maid had run away from the okiya next door only a few months earlier, and they brought her back the following morning. They beat her so badly over the next few days that her wailing was horrible. Sometimes I had to put my fingers in my ears to shut it out.
I decided I had no choice but to wait until my fifty-day confinement was over. In the meantime, I put my efforts into finding ways to repay Hatsumomo and Granny for their cruelty. Hatsumomo I repaid by scraping up pigeon droppings whenever I was supposed to clean them from the stepping-stones in the courtyard and mixing them in with her face cream. The cream already contained unguent of nightingale droppings, as I've mentioned; so maybe it did her no harm, but it did give me satisfaction. Granny I repaid by wiping the toilet rag around on the inside of her sleeping robe; and I was very pleased to see her sniffing at it in puzzlement, though she never took it off. Soon I discovered that the cook had taken it upon herself to punish me further over the kimono incident-even though no one had asked her to-by cutting back on my twice-monthly portions of dried fish. I couldn't think of how to repay her for this until one day I saw her chasing a mouse down the corridor with a mallet. She hated mice worse than cats did, as it turned out. So I swept mouse droppings from under the foundation of the main house and scattered them here and there in the kitchen. I even took a chopstick one day and gouged a hole in the bottom of a canvas bag of rice, so she'd have to take everything out of all the cabinets and search for signs of rodents.
One evening as I was waiting up for Hatsumomo, I heard the telephone ring, and Yoko came out a moment later and went up the stairs. When she came back down, she was holding Hatsumomo's shamisen, disassembled in its lacquer carrying case.
You'll have to take this to the Mizuki Teahouse, she said to me. "Hatsumomo has lost a bet and has to play a song on a shamisen. I don't know what's gotten into her, but she won't use the one the teahouse has offered. I think she's just stalling, since she hasn't touched a shamisen in years."
Yoko apparently didn't know I was confined to the okiya, which was no surprise, really. She was rarely permitted to leave the maid's room in case she should miss an important telephone call, and she wasn't involved in the life of the okiya in any way. I took the shamisen from her while she put on her kimono overcoat to leave for the night.
And after she had explained to me where to find the Mizuki Teahouse, I slipped into my shoes in the entryway, tingling with nervousness that someone might stop me. The maids and Pumpkin-even the three older women-were all asleep, and Yoko would be gone in a matter of minutes. It seemed to me my chance to find my sister had come at last.
I heard thunder rumble overhead, and the air smelled of rain. So I hurried along the streets, past groups of men and geisha. Some of them gave me peculiar looks, because in those days we still had men and women in Gion who made their living as shamisen porters. They were often elderly; certainly none of them were children. It wouldn't surprise me if some of the people I passed thought I'd stolen that shamisen and was running away with it.
When I reached the Mizuki Teahouse, rain was beginning to fall; but the entrance was so elegant I was afraid to set foot in it. The walls beyond the little curtain that hung in the doorway were a soft orange hue, trimmed in dark wood. A path of polished stone led to a huge vase holding an arrangement of twisted branches from a maple tree with their brilliant red leaves of fall. At length I worked up my courage and brushed past the little curtain. Near the vase, a spacious entryway opened to one side, with a floor of coarsely polished granite. I remember being astounded that all the beauty I'd seen wasn't even the entry-way to the teahouse, but only the path leading to the entryway. It was exquisitely lovely-as indeed it should have been; because although I didn't know it, I was seeing for the first time one of the most exclusive teahouses in all of Japan. And a teahouse isn't for tea, you see; it's the place where men go to be entertained by geisha.
The moment I stepped into the entryway, the door before me rolled open. A young maid kneeling on the raised floor inside gazed down at me; she must have heard my wooden shoes on the stone. She was dressed in a beautiful dark blue kimono with a simple pattern in gray. A year earlier I would have taken her to be the young mistress of such an extravagant place, but now after my months in Gion, I recognized at once that her kimono-though more beautiful than anything in Yoroido-was far too simple for a geisha or for the mistress of a teahouse. And of course, her hairstyle was plain as well. Still, she was far more elegant than I was, and looked down at me with contempt.
Go to the back, she said.
Hatsumomo has asked that-
Go to the back! she said again, and rolled the door shut without waiting for me to reply.
The rain was falling more heavily now, so I ran, rather than walked, down a narrow alley alongside the teahouse. The door at the back entrance rolled open as I arrived, and the same maid knelt there waiting for me. She didn't say a word but just took the shamisen case from my arms.
Miss, I said, "may I ask? . . . Can you tell me where the Miyagawa-cho district is?"
Why do you want to go there?
I have to pick up something.
She gave me a strange look, but then told me to walk along the river until I had passed the Minamiza Theater, and I would find myself in Miyagawa-cho.
I decided to stay under the eaves of the teahouse until the rain stopped. As I stood looking around, I discovered a wing of the building visible between the slats of the fence beside me. I put my eye to the fence and found myself looking across a beautiful garden at a window of glass. Inside a lovely tatami room, bathed in orange light, a party of men and geisha sat around a table scattered with sake cups and glasses of beer. Hatsumomo was there too, and a bleary-eyed old man who seemed to be in the middle of a story. Hatsumomo was amused about something, though evidently not by what the old man was saying. She kept glancing at another geisha with her back to me. I found myself remembering the last time I had peered into a teahouse, with Mr. Tanaka's little daughter, Kuniko, and began to feel that same sense of heaviness I'd felt so long ago at the graves of my father's first family- as if the earth were pulling me down toward it. A certain thought was swelling in my head, growing until I couldn't ignore it any longer. I wanted to turn away from it; but I was as powerless to stop that thought from taking over my mind as the wind is to stop itself from blowing. So I stepped back and sank onto the stone step of the entry-way, with the door against my back, and began to cry. I couldn't stop thinking about Mr. Tanaka. He had taken me from my mother and father, sold me into slavery, sold my sister into something even worse. I had taken him for a kind man. I had thought he was so refined, so worldly. What a stupid child I had been! I would never go back to Yoroido, I decided. Or if I did go back, it would only be to tell Mr. Tanaka how much I hated him.
When at last I got to my feet and wiped my eyes on my wet robe, the rain had eased to a mist. The paving stones in the alley sparkled gold from the reflection of the lanterns. I made my way back through the Tominaga-cho section of Gion to the Minamiza Theater, with its enormous tiled roof that had made me think of a palace the day Mr. Bekku brought Satsu and me from the train station. The maid at the Mizuki Teahouse had told me to walk along the river past the Minamiza; but the road running along the river stopped at the theater. So I followed the street behind the Minamiza instead. After a few blocks I found myself in an area without streetlights and nearly empty of people. I didn't know it at the time, but the streets were empty mostly because of the Great Depression; in any other era Miyagawa-cho might have been busier even than Gion. That evening it seemed to me a very sad place-which indeed I think it has always been. The wooden facades looked like Gion, but the place had no trees, no lovely Shirakawa Stream, no beautiful entryways. The only illumination came from lightbulbs in the open doorways, where old women sat on stools, often with two or three women I took to be geisha on the street beside them. They wore kimono and hair ornaments similar to geisha, but their obi were tied in the front rather than the back. I'd never seen this before and didn't understand it, but it's the mark of a prostitute. A woman who must take her sash on and off all night can't be bothered with tying it behind her again and again.
With the help of one of these women, I found the Tatsuyo in a dead-end alley with only three other houses. All were marked with placards near their doors. I can't possibly describe how I felt when I saw the sign lettered "Tatsuyo," but I will say that my body seemed to tingle everywhere, so much that I felt I might explode. In the doorway of the Tatsuyo sat an old woman on a stool, carrying on a conversation with a much younger woman on a stool across the alley-though really it was the old woman who did all the talking. She sat leaning back against the door frame with her gray robe sagging partway open and her feet stuck out in a pair of zori. These were zori woven coarsely from straw, of the sort you might have seen in Yoroido, and not at all like the beautifully lacquered zori Hatsumomo wore with her kimono. What was more, this old woman's feet were bare, rather than fitted with the smooth silk tabi. And yet she thrust them out with their uneven nails just as though she were proud of the way they looked and wanted to be sure you noticed them.
Just another three weeks, you know, and I'm not coming back, she was saying. "The mistress thinks I am, but I'm not. My son's wife is going to take good care of me, you know. She's not clever, but she works hard. Didn't you meet her?"
If I did I don't remember," the younger woman across the way said. "There's a little girl waiting to talk with you. Don't you see her?"
At this, the old woman looked at me for the first time. She didn't say anything, but she gave a nod of her head to tell me she was listening.
Please, ma'am, I said, "do you have a girl here named Satsu?"
We don't have any Satsu, she said.
I was too shocked to know what to say to this; but in any case, the old woman suddenly looked very alert, because a man was just walking past me toward the entrance. She stood partway and gave him several bows with her hands on her knees and told him, "Welcome!" When he'd entered, she put herself back down on the stool and stuck her feet out again.
Why are you still here? the old woman said to me. "I told you we don't have any Satsu."
Yes, you do, said the younger woman across the way. "Your Yukiyo. Her name used to be Satsu, I remember."
That's as may be, replied the old woman. "But we don't have any Satsu for this girl. I don't get myself into trouble for nothing."
I didn't know what she meant by this, until the younger woman muttered that I didn't look as if I had even a single sen on me. And she was quite right. A sen-which was worth only one hundredth of a yen-was still commonly used in those days, though a single one wouldn't buy even an empty cup from a vendor. I'd never held a coin of any kind in my hand since coming to Kyoto. When running errands, I asked that the goods be charged to the Nitta okiya.
If it's money you want, I said, "Satsu will pay you." "Why should she pay to speak to the likes of you?" "I'm her little sister."
She beckoned me with her hand; and when I neared her, she took me by the arms and spun me around.
Look at this girl, she said to the woman across the alley. "Does she look like a little sister to Yukiyo? If our Yukiyo was as pretty as this one, we'd be the busiest house in town! You're a liar, is what you are." And with this, she gave me a little shove back out into the alley.
I'll admit I was frightened. But I was more determined than frightened, and I'd already come this far; I certainly wasn't going to leave just because this woman didn't believe me. So I turned myself around and gave her a bow, and said to her, "I apologize if I seem to be a liar, ma'am. But I'm not. Yukiyo is my sister. If you'd be kind enough to tell her Chiyo is here, she'll pay you what you want:"
This must have been the right thing to say, because at last she turned to the younger woman across the alley. "You go up for me. You're not busy tonight. Besides, my neck is bothering me. I'll stay here and keep an eye on this girl."
The younger woman stood up from her stool and walked across into the Tatsuyo. I heard her climbing the stairs inside. Finally she came back down and said:
Yukiyo has a customer. When he's done, someone will tell her to come down.
The old woman sent me into the shadows on the far side of the door to squat where I couldn't be seen. I don't know how much time passed, but I grew more and more worried that someone in the okiya might discover me gone. I had an excuse for leaving, though Mother would be angry with me just the same; but I didn't have an excuse for staying away. Finally a man came out, picking at his teeth with a toothpick. The old woman stood to bow and thanked him for coming. And then I heard the most pleasing sound I'd heard since coming to Kyoto. "You wanted me, ma'am?" It was Satsu's voice.
I sprang to my feet and rushed to where she stood in the doorway. Her skin looked pale, almost gray-though perhaps it was only because she wore a kimono of garish yellows and reds. And her mouth was painted with a bright lipstick like the kind Mother wore. She was just tying her sash in the front, like the women I'd seen on my way there. I felt such relief at seeing her, and such excitement, I could hardly keep from rushing into her arms; and Satsu too let out a cry and covered her hand with her mouth.
The mistress will be angry with me, the old woman said. "I'll come right back," Satsu told her, and disappeared inside the Tatsuyo again. A moment or so later she was back, and dropped several coins into the woman's hand, who told her to take me into the spare room on the first floor.
And if you hear me cough, she added, "it means the mistress is coming. Now hurry up."
I followed Satsu into the gloomy entrance hall of the Tatsuyo. Its light was brown more than yellow, and the air smelled like sweat. Beneath the staircase was a sliding door that had come off its track. Satsu tugged it open, and with difficulty managed to shut it behind us. We were standing in a tiny tatami room with only one window, covered by a paper screen. The light from outdoors was enough for me to see Satsu's form, but nothing of her features.
Oh, Chiyo, she said, and then she reached up to scratch her face. Or at least, I thought she was scratching her face, for I couldn't see well. It took me a moment to understand she was crying. After this I could do nothing to hold back my own tears.
I'm so sorry, Satsu! I told her. "It's all my fault." Somehow or other we stumbled toward each other in the dark until we were hugging. I found that all I could think about was how bony she'd grown. She stroked my hair in a way that made me think of my mother, which caused my eyes to well up so much I might as well have been underwater.
Quiet, Chiyo-chan, she whispered to me. With her face so close to mine, her breath had a pungent odor when she spoke. "I'll get a beating if the mistress finds out you were here. Why did it take you so long!"
Oh, Satsu, I'm so sorry! I know you came to my okiya . . .
Months ago.
The woman you spoke with there is a monster. She wouldn't give me the message for the longest time.
I have to run away, Chiyo. I can't stay here in this place any longer.
I'll come with you!
I have a train schedule hidden under the tatami mats upstairs. I've been stealing money whenever I can. I have enough to pay off Mrs. Kishino. She gets beaten whenever a girl escapes. She won't let me go unless I pay her first.
Mrs. Kishino . . . who is she?
The old lady at the front door. She's going away. I don't know who will take her place. I can't wait any longer! This is a horrible spot. Never end up anywhere like this, Chiyo! You'd better go now. The mistress may be here at any moment.
But wait. When do we run away?
Wait in the corner there, and don't say a word. I have to go upstairs.
I did as she told me. While she was gone I heard the old woman at the front door greet a man, and then his heavy footsteps ascended the stairs over my head. Soon someone came down again hurriedly, and the door slid open. I felt panicked for a moment, but it was only Satsu, looking very pale.
Tuesday. We'll run away Tuesday late at night, five days from now. I have to go upstairs, Chiyo. A man has come for me.
But wait, Satsu. Where will we meet? What time?
I don't know . . . one in the morning. But I don't know where.
I suggested we meet near the Minamiza Theater, but Satsu thought it would be too easy for people to find us. We agreed to meet at a spot exactly across the river from it.
I have to go now, she said.
But, Satsu . . . what if I can't get away? Or what if we don't meet up?
Just be there, Chiyo! I'll only have one chance. I've waited as long as I can. You have to go now before the mistress comes back. If she catches you here, I may never be able to run away.
There were so many things I wanted to say to her, but she took me out into the hallway and wrenched the door shut behind us. I would have watched her go up the stairs, but in a moment the old woman from the doorway had taken me by the arm and pulled me out into the darkness of the street.
I ran back from Miyagawa-cho and was relieved to find the okiya as quiet as I'd left it. I crept inside and knelt in the dim light of the entrance hall, dabbing the sweat from my forehead and neck with the sleeve of my robe and trying to catch my breath. I was just beginning to settle down, now that I'd succeeded in not getting caught. But then I looked at the door to the maids' room and saw that it stood open a bit, just wide enough to reach an arm through, and I felt myself go cold. No one ever left it that way. Except in hot weather it was usually closed all the way. Now as I watched it, I felt certain I heard a rustling sound from within. I hoped it was a rat; because if it wasn't a rat, it was Hatsumomo and her boyfriend again. I began to wish I hadn't gone to Miyagawa-cho. I wished it so hard that if such a thing had been possible, I think time itself would have begun to run backward just from the force of all my wishing. I got to my feet and crept down onto the dirt corridor, feeling dizzy from worry, and with my throat as dry as a patch of dusty ground. When I reached the door of the maids' room, I brought my eye to the crack to peer inside. I couldn't see well. Because of the damp weather, Yoko had lit charcoal earlier that evening in the brazier set into the floor; only a faint glow remained, and in that dim light, something small and pale was squirming. I almost let out a scream when I saw it, because I was sure it was a rat, with its head bobbing around as it chewed at something. To my horror I could even hear the moist, smacking sounds of its mouth. It seemed to be standing up on top of something, I couldn't tell what. Stretching out toward me were two bundles of what I thought were probably rolled-up fabric, which gave me the impression it had chewed its way up between them, spreading them apart as it went. It was eating something Yoko must have left there in the room. I was just about to shut the door, for I was frightened it might run out into the corridor with me, when I heard a woman's moan. Then suddenly from beyond where the rat was chewing, a head raised up and Hatsumomo was looking straight at me. I jumped back from the door. What I'd thought were bundles of rolled-up fabric were her legs. And the rat wasn't a rat at all. It was her boyfriend's pale hand protruding from his sleeve.
What is it? I heard her boyfriend's voice say. "Is someone there?"
It's nothing, Hatsumomo whispered.
Someone's there.
No, it's no one at all, she said. "I thought I heard something, but it's no one."
There was no question in my mind Hatsumomo had seen me. But she apparently didn't want her boyfriend to know. I hurried back to kneel in the hallway, feeling as shaken as if I'd almost been run over by a trolley. I heard groans and noises coming from the maids' room for some time, and then they stopped. When Hatsumomo and her boyfriend finally stepped out into the corridor, her boyfriend looked right at me.
That girl's in the front hall, he said. "She wasn't there when I came in."
Oh, don't pay her any attention. She was a bad girl tonight and went out of the okiya when she wasn't supposed to. I'll deal with her later.
So there was someone spying on us. Why did you lie to me? "Koichi-san," she said, "you're in such a bad mood tonight!" "You aren't the least surprised to see her. You knew she was thereall along."
Hatsumomo's boyfriend came striding up to the front entrance hall and stopped to glower at me before stepping down into the entry-way. I kept my eyes to the floor, but I could feel myself blush a brilliant red. Hatsumomo rushed past me to help him with his shoes. I heard her speak to him as I'd never heard her speak to anyone before, in a pleading, almost whining voice.
Koichi-san, please, she said, "calm down. I don't know what's gotten into you tonight! Come again tomorrow . . ."
I don't want to see you tomorrow.
I hate when you make me wait so long. I'll meet you anywhere you say, on the bottom of the riverbed, even.
I don't have anywhere to meet you. My wife watches over me too much as it is.
Then come back here. We have the maids' room-
Yes, if you like sneaking around and being spied on! Just let me go, Hatsumomo. I want to get home.
Please don't be angry with me, Koichi-san. I don't know why you get this way! Tell me you'll come back, even if it isn't tomorrow.
One day I won't come back, he said. "I've told you that all along."
I heard the outside door roll open, and then it closed again; after a time Hatsumomo came back into the front entrance hall and stood peering down the corridor at nothing. Finally she turned to me and wiped the moisture from her eyes.
Well, little Chiyo, she said. "You went to visit that ugly sister of yours, didn't you?"
Please, Hatsumomo-san, I said.
And then you came back here to spy on me! Hatsumomo said this so loudly, she woke one of the elderly maids, who propped herself on her elbow to look at us. Hatsumomo shouted at her, "Go back to sleep, you stupid old woman!" and the maid shook her head and lay back down again.
Hatsumomo-san, I'll do whatever you want me to do, I said. "I don't want to get in trouble with Mother."
Of course you'll do whatever I want you to do. That isn't even a subject for discussion! And you're already in trouble.
I had to go out to deliver your shamisen.
That was more than an hour ago. You went to find your sister, and you made plans to run away with her. Do you think I'm stupid? And then you came back here to spy on me!
Please forgive me, I said. "I didn't know it was you there! I thought it was-"
I wanted to tell her I'd thought I'd seen a rat, but I didn't think she'd take it kindly.
She peered at me for a time and then went upstairs to her room. When she came back down, she was holding something in her fist.
You want to run away with your sister, don't you? she said. "I think that's a fine idea. The sooner you're out of the okiya, the better for me. Some people think I don't have a heart, but it isn't true. It's touching to imagine you and that fat cow going off to try to make a living someplace, all alone in the world! The sooner you're out of here, the better for me. Stand up."
I stood, though I was afraid of what she was going to do to me. Whatever she was holding in her fist she wanted to tuck beneath the sash of my robe; but when she stepped toward me, I backed away.
Look, she said, and opened her hand. She was holding a number of folded bills-more money than I'd ever seen, though I don't know how much. "I've brought this from my room for you. You don't need to thank me. Just take it. You'll repay me by getting yourself out of Kyoto so I'll never have to see you again."
Auntie had told me never to trust Hatsumomo, even if she offered to help me. But when I reminded myself how much Hatsumomo hated me, I understood that she wasn't really helping me at all; she was helping herself to be rid of me. I stood still as she reached into my robe and tucked the bills under my sash. I felt her glassy nails brushing against my skin. She spun me around to retie the sash so the money wouldn't slip, and then she did the strangest thing. She turned me around to face her again, and began to stroke the side of my head with her hand, wearing an almost motherly gaze. The very idea of Hatsu-morno behaving kindly toward me was so odd, I felt as if a poisonous snake had come up and begun to rub against me like a cat. Then before I knew what she was doing, she worked her fingers down to my scalp; and all at once she clenched her teeth in fury and took a great handful of my hair, and yanked it to one side so hard I fell to my knees and cried out. I couldn't understand what was happening; but soon Hatsumomo had pulled me to my feet again, and began leading me up the stairs yanking my hair this way and that. She was shouting at me in anger, while I screamed so loudly I wouldn't have been surprised if we'd woken people all up and down the street.
When we reached the top of the stairs, Hatsumomo banged on Mother's door and called out for her. Mother opened it very quickly, tying her sash around her middle and looking angry.
What is the matter with the two of you! she said,
My jewelry! Hatsumomo said: "This stupid, stupid girl!" And here she began to beat me. I could do nothing but huddle into a ball on the floor and cry out for her to stop until Mother managed to restrain her somehow. By that time Auntie had come to join her on the landing.
Oh, Mother, Hatsumomo said, "on my way back to the okiya this evening, I thought I saw little Chiyo at the end of the alleyway talking to a man. I didn't think anything of it, because I knew it couldn't be her. She isn't supposed to be out of the okiya at all. But when I went up to my room, I found my jewelry box in disarray, and rushed back down just in time to see Chiyo handing something over to the man. She tried to run away, but I caught her!"
Mother was perfectly silent a long while, looking at me.
The man got away, Hatsumomo went on, "but I think Chiyo may have sold some of my jewelry to raise money. She's planning to run away from the okiya, Mother, that's what I think . . . after we've been so kind to her!"
All right, Hatsumomo, Mother said. "That's quite enough. You and Auntie go into your room and find out what's missing."
The moment I was alone with Mother, I looked up at her from where I knelt on the floor and whispered, "Mother, it isn't true . . .
Hatsumomo was in the maids' room with her boyfriend. She's angry about something, and she's taking it out on me. I didn't take anything from her!"
Mother didn't speak. I wasn't even sure she'd heard me. Soon Hatsumomo came out and said she was missing a brooch used for decorating the front of an obi.
My emerald brooch, Mother! she kept saying, and crying just like a fine actress. "She's sold my emerald brooch to that horrible man! It was my broochl Who does she think she is to steal such a thing from me!"
Search the girl, Mother said.
Once when I was a little child of six or so, I watched a spider spinning its web in a corner of the house. Before the spider had even finished its job, a mosquito flew right into the web and was trapped there. The spider didn't pay it any attention at first, but went on with what it was doing; only when it was finished did it creep over on its pointy toes and sting that poor mosquito to death. As I sat there on that wooden floor and watched Hatsumomo come reaching for me with her delicate fingers, I knew I was trapped in a web she had spun for me. I could do nothing to explain the cash I was carrying beneath my sash. When she drew it out, Mother took it from her and counted it.
You're a fool to sell an emerald brooch for so little, she said to me. "Particularly since it will cost you a good deal more to replace it."
She tucked the money into her own sleeping robe, and then said to Hatsumomo:
You had a boyfriend here in the okiya tonight.
Hatsumomo was taken aback by this; but she didn't hesitate to reply, "Whatever gave you such an idea, Mother?"
There was a long pause, and then Mother said to Auntie, "Hold her arms."
Auntie took Hatsumomo by the arms and held her from behind, while Mother began to pull open the seams of Hatsumomo's kimono at the thigh. I thought Hatsumomo would resist, but she didn't. She looked at me with cold eyes as Mother gathered up the koshimaki and pushed her knees apart. Then Mother reached up between her legs, and when her hand came out again her fingertips were wet. She rubbed her thumb and fingers together for a time, and then smelled them. After this she drew back her hand and slapped Hatsumomo across the face, leaving a streak of moisture.
Hnatsumomo wasn't the only one angry at me the following day, because Mother ordered that all the maids be denied servings of dried fish for six weeks as punishment for having tolerated Ha-tsumomo's boyfriend in the okiya. I don't think the maids could have been more upset with me if I'd actually stolen the food from their bowls with my own hands; and as for Pumpkin, she began to cry when she found out what Mother had ordered. But to tell the truth, I didn't feel as uneasy as you 'might imagine to have everyone glowering at me, and to have the cost of an obi brooch I'd never seen or even touched added to my debts. Anything that made life more difficult for me only strengthened my determination to run away.
I don't think Mother really believed I'd stolen the obi brooch, though she was certainly content to buy a new one at my expense if it would keep Hatsumomo happy. But she had no doubts at all that I'd left the okiya when I shouldn't have, because Yoko confirmed it. I felt almost as though my life itself were slipping away from me when I learned that Mother had ordered the front door locked to prevent me from going out again. How would I escape from the okiya now? Only Auntie had a key, and she kept it around her neck even while she was sleeping. As an extra measure, the job of sitting by the door in the evenings was taken away from me and given to Pumpkin instead, who had to wake Auntie to have the door unlocked when Hatsumomo came home.
Every night I lay on my futon scheming; but as late as Monday, the very day before Satsu and I had arranged to run away, I'd come up with no plan for my escape. I grew so despondent I had no energy at all for my chores, and the maids chided me for dragging my cloth along the woodwork I was supposed to be polishing, and pulling a broom along the corridor I was supposed to be sweeping. I spent a long while Monday afternoon pretending to weed the courtyard while really only squatting on the stones and brooding. Then one of the maids gave me the job of washing the wood floor in the maids' room, where Yoko was seated near the telephone, and something extraordinary happened. I squeezed a rag full of water onto the floor, but instead of snaking along toward the doorway as I would have expected, it ran toward one of the back corners of the room.
Yoko, look, I said. "The water's running uphill." Of course it wasn't really uphill. It only looked that way to me. I was so startled by this that I squeezed more water and watched it run into the corner again. And then . . . well, I can't say exactly how it happened; but I pictured myself flowing up the stairs to the second-floor landing, and from there up the ladder, through the trapdoor, and onto the roof beside the gravity-feed tank.
The roof! I was so astonished at the thought, I forgot my surroundings completely; and when the telephone near Yoko rang, I almost cried out in alarm. I wasn't sure what I would do once I reached the roof, but if I could succeed in finding my way down from there, I might meet Satsu after all.
The following evening I made a great show of yawning when I went to bed and threw myself onto my futon as though I were a sack of rice. Anyone watching me would have thought I was asleep within a moment, but actually I could hardly have been more awake. I lay for a long while thinking of my house and wondering what expression would form itself on my father's face when he looked up from the table to see me standing in the doorway. Probably the pockets at his eyes would droop down and he would start to cry, or else his mouth would take on that odd shape that was his way of smiling. I didn't allow myself to picture my mother quite so vividly; just the thought of seeing her again was enough to bring tears to my eyes.
At length the maids settled down onto their futons beside me on the floor, and Pumpkin took up her position waiting for Hatsumomo. I listened to Granny chanting sutras, which she did every night before going to bed. Then I watched her through the partly opened door as she stood beside her futon and changed into her sleeping robe. I was horrified by what I saw when her robe slipped from her shoulders, for I'd never seen her completely naked before. It wasn't just the chickenlike skin of her neck and shoulders; her body made me think of a pile of wrinkled clothing. She looked strangely pitiful to me while she fumbled to unfold the sleeping robe she'd picked up from the table. Everything drooped from her, even her protruding nipples that hung like fingertips. The more I watched her, the more I came to feel that she must be struggling in that cloudy, old lady's mind of hers with thoughts of her own mother and father-who had probably sold her into slavery when she was a little girl-just as I had been struggling with thoughts of my own parents. Perhaps she had lost a sister too. I'd certainly never thought of Granny in this way before. I found myself wondering if she'd started life much as I had. It made no difference that she was a mean old woman and I was just a struggling little girl. Couldn't the wrong sort of living turn anyone mean? I remembered very well that one day back in Yoroido, a boy pushed me into a thorn bush near the pond. By the time I clawed my way out I was mad enough to bite through wood. If a few minutes of suffering could make me so angry, what would years of it do? Even stone can be worn down with enough rain.
If I hadn't already resolved to run away, I'm sure I would have been terrified to think of the suffering that probably lay in wait for me in Gion. Surely it would make me into the sort of old woman Granny had become. But I comforted myself with the thought that by the following day I could begin forgetting even my memories of Gion. I already knew how I would reach the roof; as to how I would climb from there to the street. . . well, I wasn't at all sure. I would have no choice but to take my chances in the dark. Even if I did make it down without hurting myself, reaching the street would be only the beginning of my troubles. However much life in Gion was a struggle, life after running away would surely be more of a struggle. The world was simply too cruel; how could I survive? I lay on my futon in anguish for a while, wondering if I really had the strength to do it... but Satsu would be waiting for me. She would know what to do.
Quite some time passed before Granny settled down in her room. By then the maids were snoring loudly. I pretended to turn over on my futon in order to steal a glance at Pumpkin, kneeling on the floor not far away. I couldn't see her face well, but I had the impression she was growing drowsy. Originally I'd planned to wait until she fell asleep, but I had no idea of the time any longer; and besides, Hatsumomo might come home at any moment. I sat up as quietly as I could, thinking that if anyone noticed me I would simply go to the toilet and come back again. But no one paid me any attention. A robe for me to wear on the following morning lay folded on the floor nearby. I took it in my arms and went straight for the stairwell.
Outside Mother's door, I stood listening for a while. She didn't usually snore, so I couldn't judge anything from the silence, except that she wasn't talking on the telephone or making any other sort of noise. Actually, her room wasn't completely silent because her little dog, Taku, was wheezing in his sleep. The longer I listened, the more his wheezing sounded like someone saying my name: "CHI-yo! CHI-yo!" I wasn't prepared to sneak out of the okiya until I'd satisfied myself Mother was asleep, so I decided to slide the door open and have a look. If she was awake, I would simply say I thought someone had called me. Like Granny, Mother slept with the lamp on her table illuminated; so when I opened the door a crack and peered in, I could see the parched bottoms of her feet sticking out of the sheets. Taku lay between her feet with his chest rising and falling, making that wheezy noise that sounded so much like my name.
I shut her door again and changed my clothes in the upstairs hallway. The only thing I lacked now was shoes-and I never considered running away without them, which ought to give you some idea how much I'd changed since the summer. If Pumpkin hadn't been kneeling in the front entrance hall, I would have taken a pair of the wooden shoes used for walking along the dirt corridor. Instead I took the shoes reserved for use in the upstairs toilet. They were of a very poor quality, with a single leather thong across the top to hold them in place on the foot. To make matters worse, they were much too big for me; but I had no other option.
After closing the trapdoor silently behind me, I stuffed my sleeping robe under the gravity-feed tank and managed to climb up and straddle my legs over the ridge of the roof. I won't pretend I wasn't frightened; the voices of people on the street certainly seemed a long way below me. But I had no time to waste being afraid, for it seemed to me that at any moment one of the maids, or even Auntie or Mother, might pop up through the trapdoor looking for me. I put the shoes onto my hands to keep from dropping them and began scooting my way along the ridge, which proved to be more difficult than I'd imagined. The roof tiles were so thick they made almost a small step where they overlapped, and they clanked against one another when I shifted my weight unless I moved very slowly. Every noise I made echoed off the roofs nearby.
I took several minutes to cross just to the other side of our okiya. The roof of the building next door was a step lower than ours. I climbed down onto it and stopped a moment to look for a path to the street; but despite the moonlight, I could see only a sheet of blackness. The roof was much too high and steep for me to consider sliding down it on a gamble. I wasn't at all sure the next roof would be better; and I began to feel a bit panicky. But I continued along from ridge to ridge until I found myself, near the end of the block, looking down on one side into an open courtyard. If I could make my way to the gutter, I could scoot around it until I came to what I thought was probably a bath shed. From the top of the bath shed, I could climb down into the courtyard easily.
I didn't relish the thought of dropping into the middle of someone else's house. I had no doubt it was an okiya; all the houses along our block were. In all likelihood someone would be waiting at the front door for the geisha to return, and would grab me by the arm as I tried to run out. And what if the front door was locked just as ours was? I wouldn't even have considered this route if I'd had any other choice. But I thought the path down looked safer than anything I'd seen yet.
I sat on the ridge a long while listening for any clues from the courtyard below. All I could hear was laughter and conversation from the street. I had no idea what I would find in the courtyard when I dropped in, but I decided I'd better make my move before someone in my okiya discovered me gone. If I'd had any idea of the damage I was about to do to my future, I would have spun around on that ridge as fast as I could have and scooted right back where I'd come from. But I knew nothing of what was at stake. I was just a child who thought she was embarking on a great adventure.
I swung my leg over, so that in a moment I was dangling along the slope of the roof, just barely clinging to the ridge. I realized with some panic that it was muc'h steeper than I'd thought it would be. I tried to scamper back up, but I couldn't do it. With the toilet shoes on my hands, I couldn't grab onto the ridge of the roof at all, but only hook my wrists over it. I knew I had committed myself, for I would never manage to climb back up again; but it seemed to me that the very moment I let go, I would slide down that roof out of control. My mind was racing with these thoughts, but before I'd made the decision to let go of the ridge, it let go of me. At first I glided down more slowly than I would have expected, which gave me some hope I might stop myself farther down, where the roof curved outward to form the eaves. But then my foot dislodged one of the roof tiles, which slid down with a clattering noise and shattered in the courtyard below. The next thing I knew, I lost my grip on one of the toilet shoes and it slid right past me.
I heard the quiet plop as it landed below, and then a much worse sound-the sound of footsteps coming down a wooden walkway toward the courtyard.
Many times I had seen the way flies stood on a wall or ceiling just as if they were on level ground. Whether they did it by having sticky feet, or by not weighing very much, I had no idea, but when I heard the sound of someone walking below, I decided that whatever I did I would find a way of sticking to that roof just as a fly might do, and I would find it right away. Otherwise I was going to end up sprawled in that courtyard in another few seconds. I tried digging my toes into the roof, and then my elbows and knees. As a final act of desperation I did the most foolish thing of all-I slipped the shoe from my other hand and tried to stop myself by pressing my two palms against the roof tiles. My palms must have been dripping with sweat, because instead of slowing down I began to pick up speed the moment I touched them to the roof. I heard myself skidding with a hissing sound; and then suddenly the roof was no longer there.
For a moment I heard nothing; only a frightening, empty silence. As I fell through the air I had time to form one thought clearly in my mind: I pictured a woman stepping into the courtyard, looking down to see the shattered tile on the ground, and then looking up toward the roof in time to see me fall out of the sky right on top of her; but of course this isn't what happened. I turned as I fell, and landed on my side on the ground. I had the sense to bring an arm up to protect my head; but still I landed so heavily that I knocked myself into a daze. I don't know where the woman was standing, or even if she was in the courtyard at the time I fell out of the sky. But she must have seen me come down off that roof, because as I lay stunned on the ground I heard her say:
Good heavens! It's raining little girls!
Well, I would have liked to jump to my feet and run out, but I couldn't do it. One whole side of my body felt dipped in pain. Slowly I became aware of two women kneeling over me. One kept saying something again and again, but I couldn't make it out. They talked between themselves and then picked me up from the moss and sat me on the wooden walkway. I remember only one fragment of their conversation.
I'm telling you, she came off the roof, ma'am.
Why on earth was she carrying toilet slippers with her? Did you go up there to use the toilet, little girl? Can you hear me? What a dangerous thing to do! You're lucky you didn't break into pieces when you fell!
She can't hear you, ma'am. Look at her eyes.
Of course she can hear me. Say something, little girl!
But I couldn't say anything. All I could do was think about how
Satsu would be waiting for me opposite the Minamiza Theater, and I
would never show up.
The maid was sent up the street to knock on doors until she found where I'd come from, while I lay curled up in a ball in a state of shock. I was crying without tears and holding my arm, which hurt terribly, when suddenly I felt myself pulled to my feet and slapped across the face.
Foolish, foolish girl! said a voice. Auntie was standing before me in a rage, and then she pulled me out of that okiya and behind her up the street. When we reached our okiya, she leaned me up against the wooden door and slapped me again across the face.
Do you know what you've done? she said to me, but I couldn't answer. "What were you thinking! Well, you've ruined everything for yourself ... of all the stupid things! Foolish, foolish girl!"
I'd never imagined Auntie could be so angry. She dragged me into the courtyard and threw me onto my stomach on the walkway. I began to cry in earnest now, for I knew what was coming. But this time instead of beating me halfheartedly as she had before, Auntie poured a bucket of water over my robe to make-the rod sting all the more, and then struck me so hard I couldn't even draw a breath. When she was done beating me, she threw the rod onto the ground and rolled me over onto my back. "You'll never be a geisha now," she cried. "I warned you not to make a mistake like this! And now there's nothing I or anyone else can do to help you."
I heard nothing more of what she said because of the terrible screams from farther up the walkway. Granny was giving Pumpkin a beating for not having kept a better eye on me.
As it turned out, I'd broken my arm landing as I had in that courtyard. The next morning a doctor came and took me to a clinic nearby. It was late afternoon already by the time I was brought back to the okiya with a plaster cast on my arm. I was still in terrible pain, but Mother called me immediately to her room. For a long while she sat staring at me, patting Taku with one hand and holding her pipe in her mouth with the other.
Do you know how much I paid for you? she said to me at last.
No, ma'am, I answered. "But you're going to tell me you paid more than I'm worth."
I won't say this was a polite way to respond. In fact, I thought Mother might slap me for it, but I was beyond caring. It seemed to me nothing in the world would ever be right again. Mother clenched her teeth together and gave a few coughs in that strange laugh of hers.
You're right about that! she said. "Half a yen might have been more than you're worth. Well, I had the impression you were clever. But you're not clever enough to know what's good for you."
She went back to puffing at her pipe for a while, and then she said, "I paid seventy-five yen for you, that's what I paid. Then you went and ruined a kimono, and stole a brooch, and now you've broken your arm, so I'll be adding medical expenses to your debts as well. Plus you have your meals and lessons, and just this morning I heard from the mistress of the Tatsuyo, over in Miyagawa-cho, that your older sister has run away. The mistress there still hasn't paid me what she owes. Now she tells me she's not going to do it! I'll add that to your debt as well, but what difference will it make? You already owe more than you'll ever repay."
So Satsu had escaped. I'd spent the day wondering, and now I had my answer. I wanted to feel happy for her, but I couldn't.
I suppose you could repay it after ten or fifteen years as a geisha, she went on, "if you happened to be a success. But who would invest another sen in a girl who runs away?"
I wasn't sure how to reply to any of this, so I told Mother I was sorry. She'd been talking to me pleasantly enough until then, but after my apology, she put her pipe on the table and stuck out her jaw so much-from anger, I suppose-that she gave me the impression of an animal about to strike.
Sorry, are you? I was a fool to invest so much money in you in the first place. You're probably the most expensive maid in all of Gion! If I could sell off your bones to pay back some of your debts, why, I'd rip them right out of your body!
With this, she ordered me out of the room and put her pipe back into her mouth.
My lip was trembling when I left, but I held my feelings in; for there on the landing stood Hatsumomo. Mr. Bekku was waiting to finish tying her obi while Auntie, with a handkerchief in her hand, stood in front of Hatsumomo, peering into her eyes.
Well, it's all smeared, Auntie said. "There's nothing more I can do. You'll have to finish your little cry and redo your makeup afterward."
I knew exactly why Hatsumomo was crying. Her boyfriend had stopped seeing her, now that she'd been barred from bringing him to the okiya. I'd learned this the morning before and felt certain Hatsumomo was going to blame her troubles on me. I was eager to get down the stairs before she spotted me, but it was already too late. She snatched the handkerchief from Auntie's hand and made a gesture calling me over. I certainly didn't want to go, but I couldn't refuse.
You've got no business with Chiyo, Auntie said to her. "Just go into your room and finish your makeup."
Hatsumomo didn't reply, but drew me into her room and shut the door behind us.
I've spent days trying to decide exactly how I ought to ruin your life, she said to me. "But now you've tried to run away, and done it for me! I don't know whether to feel pleased. I was looking forward to doing it myself."
It was very rude of me, but I bowed to Hatsumomo and slid open the door to let myself out without replying. She might have struck me for it, but she only followed me into the hall and said, "If you wonder what it will be like as a maid all your life, just have a talk with Auntie! Already you're like two ends of the same piece of string. She has her broken hip; you have your broken arm. Perhaps one day you'll even look like a man, just the way Auntie does!"
There you go, Hatsumomo, Auntie said. "Show us that famous charm of yours."
Back when I was a little girl of five or six, and had never so much as thought about Kyoto once in all my life, I knew a little boy named Noboru in our village. I'm sure he was a nice boy, but he had a very unpleasant smell, and I think that's why he was so unpopular. Whenever he spoke, all the other children paid him no more attention than if a bird had chirped or a frog had croaked, and poor Noboru often sat right down on the ground and cried. In the months after my failed escape, I came to understand just what life must have been like for him; because no one spoke to me at all unless it was to give me an order. Mother had always treated me as though I were only a puff of smoke, for she had more important things on her mind. But now all the maids, and the cook, and Granny did the same.
All that bitter cold winter, I wondered what had become of Satsu, and of my mother and father. Most nights when I lay on my futon I was sick with anxiety, and felt a pit inside myself as big and empty as if the whole world were nothing more than a giant hall empty of people. To comfort myself I closed my eyes and imagined that I was walking along the path beside the sea cliffs in Yoroido. I knew it so well I could picture myself there as vividly as if I really had run away with Satsu and was back at home again. In my mind I rushed toward our tipsy house holding Satsu's hand-though I had never held her hand before- knowing that in another few moments we would be reunited with our mother and father. I never did manage to reach the house in these fantasies; perhaps I was too afraid of what I might find there, and in any case, it was the trip along the path that seemed to comfort me. Then at some point I would hear the cough of one of the maids near me, or the embarrassing sound of Granny passing wind with a groan, and in that instant the smell of the sea air dissolved, the coarse dirt of the path beneath my feet turned into the sheets of my futon once again, and I was left where I'd started with nothing but my own loneliness.
When spring came, the cherry trees blossomed in Maruyama Park, and no one in Kyoto seemed to talk about anything else. Hatsumomo was busier than usual during the daytime because of all the blossom-viewing parties. I envied her the bustling life I saw her prepare for every afternoon. I'd already begun to give up my hopes of awakening one night to find that Satsu had sneaked into our okiya to rescue me, or that in some other way I might hear word of my family in Yoroido. Then one morning as Mother and Auntie were preparing to take Granny on a picnic, I came down the stairs to find a package on the floor of the front entrance hall. It was a box about as long as my arm, wrapped in heavy paper and tied up with frayed twine. I knew it was none of my business; but since no one was around to see me, I went over to read the name and address in heavy characters on the face. It said:
Sakamoto Chiyo
c/o Nitta Kayoko
Gion Tominaga-cho
City of Kyoto, Kyoto Prefecture
I was so astonished that I stood a long while with my hand over my mouth, and I'm sure my eyes were as big around as teacups. The return address, beneath a patch of stamps, was from Mr. Tanaka. I had no idea what could possibly be in the package, but seeing Mr. Tanaka's name there . . . you may find it absurd, but I honestly hoped perhaps he'd recognized his mistake in sending me to this terrible place, and had mailed me something to set me free from the okiya. I can't imagine any package that might free a little girl from slavery; I had trouble imagining it even then. But I truly believed in my heart that somehow when that package was opened, my life would be changed forever.
Before I could figure out what to do next, Auntie came down the stairs and shooed me away from the box, even though it had my name on it. I would have liked to open it myself, but she called for a knife to cut the twine and then took her time unwrapping the coarse paper. Underneath was a layer of canvas sacking stitched up with heavy fishermen's thread. Sewn to the sacking by its corners was an envelope bearing my name. Auntie cut the envelope free and then tore away the sacking to reveal a dark wooden box. I began to get excited about what I might find inside, but when Auntie took off the lid, I felt myself all at once growing heavy. For there, nestled amid folds of white linen, lay the tiny mortuary tablets that had once stood before the altar in our tipsy house. Two of them, which I had never seen before, looked newer than the others and bore unfamiliar Buddhist names, written with characters I couldn't understand. I was afraid even to wonder why Mr. Tanaka had sent them.
For the moment, Auntie left the box there on the floor, with the tablets lined up so neatly inside, and took the letter from the envelope to read it. I stood for what seemed a long while, full of my fears, and not daring even to think. Finally, Auntie sighed heavily and led me by the arm into the reception room. My hands were trembling in my lap as I knelt at the table, probably from the force of trying to keep all my terrible thoughts from rising to the surface of my mind. Perhaps it was really a hopeful sign that Mr. Tanaka had sent me the mortuary tablets. Wasn't it possible that my family would be moving to Kyoto, that we would buy a new altar together and set up the tablets before it? Or perhaps Satsu had asked that they be sent to me because she was on her way back. And then Auntie interrupted my thoughts.
Chiyo, I'm going to read you something from a man named Tanaka Ichiro, she said in a voice that was strangely heavy and slow. I don't think I breathed.at all while she spread the paper out on the table.
Dear Chiyo:
Two seasons have passed since you left Yoroido, and soon the trees will give birth to a new generation of blossoms. Flowers that grow where old ones have withered serve to remind us that death will one day come to us all.
As one who was once an orphaned child himself, this humble person is sorry to have to inform you of the terrible burden you must bear. Six weeks after you left for your new life in Kyoto, the suffering of your honored mother came to its end, and only a few weeks afterward your honored father departed this world as well. This humble person is deeply sorry for your loss and hopes you will rest assured that the remains of both your honored parents are enshrined in the village cemetery. Services were conducted for them at the Hoko-ji Temple in Senzuru, and in addition the women in Yoroido have chanted sutras. This humble person feels confident that both your honored parents have found their places in paradise.
The training of an apprentice geisha is an arduous path. However, this humble person is filled with admiration for those who are able to recast their suffering and become great artists. Some years ago while visiting Gion, it was my honor to view the spring dances and attend a party afterward at a teahouse, and the experience has left the deepest impression. It gives me some measure of satisfaction to know that a safe place in this world has been found for you, Chiyo, and that you will not be forced to suffer through years of uncertainty. This humble person has been alive long enough to see two generations of children grow up, and knows how rare it is for ordinary birds to give birth to a swan. The swan who goes on living in its parents' tree will die; this is why those who are beautiful and talented bear the burden of finding their own way in the world.
Your sister, Satsu, came through Yoroido late this past fall, but ran away again at once with the son of Mr. Sugi. Mr. Sugi fervently hopes to see his beloved son again in this lifetime, and asks therefore that you please notify him immediately if you receive word from your sister.
Most sincerely yours, Tanaka Ichiro
Long before Auntie had finished reading this letter, the tears had begun to flow out of me just like water from a pot that boils over. For it would have been bad enough to learn that my mother had died, or that my father had died. But to learn in a single moment that both my mother and my father had died and left me, and that my sister too was lost to me forever ... at once my mind felt like a broken vase that would not stand. I was lost even within the room around me.
You must think me very naive for having kept alive the hope for so many months that my mother might still be living. But really I had so few things to hope for, I suppose I would have clutched at anything. Auntie was very kind to me while I tried to find my bearings. Again and again she said to me, "Bear up, Chiyo, bear up. There's nothing more any of us can do in this world."
When I was finally able to speak, I asked Auntie if she would set up the tablets someplace where I wouldn't see them, and pray on my behalf-for it would give me too much pain to do it. But she refused, and told me I should be ashamed even to consider turning my back on my own ancestors. She helped me set the tablets up on a shelf near the base of the stairwell, where I could pray before them every morning. "Never forget them, Chiyo-chan," she said. "They're all that's left of your childhood."